November 14, 2007 6:18 AM

Thou hypocrite, first cast out the candle out of thine own penis; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the candle out of thy brother's penis

Getting On His Wick: Monk Gets Candle Stuck In Penis

“HE did a very stupid and shameful thing,” says a Romanian “monastry source” to the Daily Sport. The man with the tonsure is speaking of trainee monk Dumitru Ilie who is said to have got “hammered” and spent the night a woman he met at a party. A woman who may or may not have been a nun. In the morning Dumitru awoke full of regret and with candle wedged up his penis. Says the doctor who treated him: “I have no idea how he managed to do that but it looked extremely painful.” Albeit unlit‚Äö√Ѭ∂

OK, so I understand that y’all probably think I make this stuff up, but not even I could have conjoured this out of whole cloth….

Way back when, I made a solemn promise: no more severed penis stories. I mean, how many “drunk and stupid man takes a weed whacker to his Johnson” stories should y’all be expected to stomach? After awhile, they all kind of blend together…and the end result is always the same: man wakes up with hangover, discovers his penis missing, and wonders how it could have happened. THIS story, though? Yeah, this one’s different…and while I’m sure there’s a fascinating chain of events (as well as large amounts of alcohol) in play…well, it hurts just thinking about this. He had a candle stuck WHERE?? Oh, man….talk about your sympathy pains….

Of course, then there’s the whole alleged vow of chastity thing when it comes to nuns and monks. Uh…it’s a monastery, NOT a fraternity, y’all…. Here’s what I’m really wondering, though: if you’re going to put in the time and the effort to insert a candle into a drunk mon’s penis…why not light it? Man, talk about instant Internet celebrity….

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on November 14, 2007 6:18 AM.

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