Here we are, with Christmas less than 3 weeks away, and it’s barely even made a dent in my thick skull. Since I’m going to be by myself, I quite honestly haven’t allowed myself an opprtunity to think about Christmas. It’s not that the prospect of being by myself on Christmas bothers me; it just seems like any other day at this point…except that I’ll have the day off. My situation is what it is. My decisions have led me to this place, and for good or ill here I is. I could be depressed about it, or I could try and do what I can to make the best of it. Honestly, I’m dealing with depression enough as it is. I can take comfort in the fact that 2007 is almost over. It’s been a helluva miserable year in many respects, and truly the best thing about it is that almost all of the sand has run out of the hourglass.
If there is to be a resolution for 2008, it would be to find a way to get myself into a situation that makes sense for me…and that applies to all aspects of my life. I could go into detail, but I’ve promised myself never to blog about work, and I’m not about to break that promise now. Besides, there’s a LOT more going on for me than just those 40+ hours per week.
I’m not going to say that I’ve hit rock bottom, but I think I can see it from here. Emotionally, I’ve got a LOT of work to do to get myself back to any place that might feel healthy and balanced again. I wish I knew what the end product will look like and how long it will take me to get there, but at this point, trite though this may sound, it’s really just about taking things one day at a time.
Being alone doesn’t bother me. Indeed, there are some aspects of it that I enjoy. Realistically, though, I know that I’m not an island, no matter how much I might want to believe otherwise. I want to have a functional, happy marriage. I want to have friends. I want to have people in my life in a way that I simply don’t now. I want to learn how I can do the things that so many folks take for granted. I’ve never really understood why, but it’s always been difficult for me to keep people in my life. It’s not that I’m socially dyscuntional or that I lack interpersonal skills. Indeed, my job requires the ability to interact effectively with a variety of different personalities, and I think I handle that aspect of my career pretty effectively. In my personal life, though, I simply haven’t chosen to surround myself with people. I wish I could, and I wish that I could find a way to develop, maintain, and nurture long-term relationships. For whatever reason, that just hasn’t happened for me.
Like all of us, I’m still a work in progress. Looking to the future, I can recognize that there’s a LOT of work ahead of me if I’m to get to a place where I can be happy and at peace. The sad aspect of this for me is looking back and recognizing the collateral damage I’ve wreaked on my life, my emotional health, and a woman who loves me more than I probably deserve. When you blow up your life to the emotional equivalent of the sub-basement, I suppose you’ve got nowhere to go but up. I only hope that will prove to be the case.
