Today is not a day for reading blogs. Today, and tomorrow, are days to be spent with family, sharing the things that bring you together and creating memories. This year, though, I won’t be one of those celebrating with family. Due to my various and assorted emotional issues and the choices they’ve led me to, I’m alone this year. There’s no one to blame for my situation but myself, and I understand that my personal crisis and the resulting decisions have caused a great deal of pain to someone I love as well as many others who care about me. You can blame what’s transpired over the past few months on my depression, but the reality is the same either way. I’m alone on Christmas…and while I’m not going to obsess over it, I would prefer that this not be the case. All I can do is to make the best of things…and in that light, I’m going to enjoy the day of rest.
I’ve always believed that decisions carry consequences, whether for good or ill. The decisions I’ve made over the past few months have led me to where I am today. While I’m trying to put things back together through counseling and medication, my reality is what it is. I can’t change that, but I can try to make things better.
The best gift I can give myself this year would be to continue trying to work my way through the unmitigated emotional crisis that my life has become. Where I am is by no means where I want to be. Here I am in my late forties, still trying to get my $#!& together. I’d always figured that by now I’d have settled into a comfortable, if not opulent, existence that would bring both meaning and joy to my life. Sadly, that has not been the case at all. Somewhere along the line I lost myself, and I’m only just now beginning to understand what that means.
Things are improving for me, but it’s a slow process. It’s difficult to process my hopes for the future, because for right now my commitment to myself is to get through one day at a time. Once I can do that, then perhaps I can begin looking to the future. At least I’m getting help, and I’m once again coming to grips with the reality that I have a disease that, if not treated, could lead to a destination I’d rather not arrive at.
Normally, I’m loathe to go into any detail regarding my personal life, but depression is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s something I’ve dealt with probably longer than I can remember. Sometimes I’ve had a handle on it, but there have also been times when my depression has had me by the tail. The past few months have been a particularly challenging time, and I haven’t been nearly as in control as I’vd deluded myself into believing.
Depression is a disease, and it’s something I will no doubt continue to have to deal with. Thankfully, the holidays, while often a difficult time for many who suffer from depression, haven’t made things worse for me. Then again, one might argue that things couldn’t get much worse. At least I’m not in a place where I’m worried about doing damage to myself. In spite of everything that’s happened, I still have a lot to live for.
I hope that y’all will have a safe, happy, and joyful Christmas. Frankly, y’all deserve it. After the challenging year this country has had, we deserve to have a couple of days to focus solely on what truly matters. A couple of days free from partisan bickering and pettiness seems reasonable, especially after the clusterf—k that 2007 has been.
Feliz Navidad…I wish all of you all the joy and happiness you deserve. May this Christmas be everything that you hope for and deserve. Now get off the Internet and go spend time with you family!
