After years of long, arduous, and heavily-caffeinated observation, I had an epiphany this past weeken. I spend a lot of time in various and assorted Starbucks locations (which should come as a shock to absolutely no one who knows me), and while I’m ingesting my drug of choice- a venti soy latte (sadly, they don’t come in five-gallon buckets)- I have ample opportunity to observe both the ethos and the pathos of the coffee shop environment. What I’ve come to realize is that the true heroes of our society aren’t policeman, or fireman, or even politicians- despite their clear and demonstrable heroism and self-sacrifice. No, the true heroes of our society- the people who keep it all from falling apart- are the baristas. Let’s face facts, y’all- where would you be without your caffeine fix? I daresay that you attitude, your outlook on life, and your productivity would be significantly and adversely impacted. If you’re like most of us, you spend your days going from one caffeine fix to the next, and while most Americans won’t admit to this, we’re a nation horribly addicted to caffeine. Sure, having I-5 closed between Portland and Seattle may remind us of the economic importance of our Interstate system, but try doing without your caffeine. I can quit any time I want, of course (I simply don’t want to), but I imagine the rest of you are pretty well hooked.
If the terrorists really want to hit us where it hurts, they wouldn’t attack a building, or a port, or even a chemical plant. No, a smart terrorist would take out Starbucks’ headquarters in Seattle. Then they’d go after individual Starbucks locations. You think THAT wouldn’t bring this nation to it’s knees? A nation suffering a latte shortage? Are you kidding me? Is there ANYTHING more frightening than that prospect?
Right now, the people of the front lines protecting us from a fate worse than…well, decaf…are the baristas. These braves souls perform their duties faithfully, cheerfully, and for comparatively little recompense. They keep us caffeinated, motivated, and fortified to meet the challenges that this great nation must wrestle with on a daily basis. You think I’m kidding? OK, try this one on for size: try and imagine the chaos that would result if baristas nationwide went on strike. Try and wrap your head around THAT…if you can. Mine hurts just thinking about it. This nation would grind to a virtual halt. The economy would take a major hit, if only because millions of Americans would be deprived of their drug of choice and reduced to a semi-catatonic torpor reminscent of the “Thorazine shuffle”. Imagine an entire working population sitting at their desks wearing a thousand-yard stare while they deal with the trip hammer pounding the inside of their skulls. Not a pretty picture, is it?
Sure, Homeland Security might think that it’s the last bastion protecting America from potential terrorist attacks. I’d submit to you, however, that this is a load of self-serving crap, because even the most uneducated observer could imagine what might happen if this entire nation were to be denied their collective drug of choice.
Yeah…and you thought the specter of terrorism was frightening….
