Surgeon General: Santa’s Too Fat
Acting U.S. Surgeon General Rear Adm. Steven K. Galson has launched the Administration’s first attack in this year’s War on Christmas. The ASG declared that Santa is too heavy to be a good role model, telling the Boston Herald, “It is really important that the people who kids look up to as role models are in good shape, eating well and getting exercise‚Äö√Ѭ∂ Santa is no different.” The ASG’s comment comes in the wake of Australia’s war on “hohoho” and made one of us crave, um, cookies.
Man, you’d think that Bill O’Reilly would be all over this one…what with his being the one of the chief rearguard defenders in the War Against Christmas © and all. I mean, c’mon…generations have grown up believing that Santa Claus is a fat, jolly old man while still somehow managing to squeeze himself down their chimney on Christmas Eve to bring them copious amounts of material goods. NOW we have to worry about whether he’s a good role model for children who need to learn to make good health-related decisions?? WTF?? OK, so Santa is never going to run a four-minute mile or have a 48” vertical jump, but the reason why the man’s universally loved and admired has nothing to do with his alleged former athletic prowess or his long-since-gone-AWOL six-pack abs.
Uh…begging the Surgeon General’s indulgence, but Santa IS different. For one, HE’S NOT REAL…unless, of course you’re of a certain age and you still choose to believe. For our purposes, though, since Santa Claus is merely a ritual social construct- a mere concept- it shouldn’t really matter whether he’s proportioned like the late Jerry Falwell or Brad Pitt in Fight Club. HE’S A MYTH, A CHILDHOOD BELIEF. Of course, I can only speak for myself, but I can’t recall my parents ever saying anything along the lines of “You know, Santa eats his Brussel Sprouts, because he recognizes the importance of a healthy, well-rounded diet and a program of sensible exercise.” Uh, Ma, just shut up and throw another piece of pumpkin pie at me, willya??
Memo to ASG Galson: While I admire your devotion to your work, I’m going to need you to back off a wee bit. Otherwise, I’m going to have to sic Bill O’Reilly on you, and you REALLY won’t like me if I have to do that. Let Santa be Santa, ‘kay? Before too much longer, he’ll be put away for the next 46 or 47 weeks, and you can go about trying to save the world from itself.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some Twinkies I need to deep-fry….
