Another week wimpers to a conclusion, only to leave me a weekend alone with my thoughts. It’s been a tough week in many respects, but the kind words and emails I’ve received have been a big help. It’s nice to know that people actually care. Being the solitary sort that I am, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that I’m really NOT an island.
Before long, I’ll be officially single in the eyes of the Great State of Texas. It’s not what I wanted, nor is it where I thought I’d be at this point in my life. I’d always assumed that the approach of middle age would find me secure and rooted somewhere, my future set and the pressure off. Now, my life resembles a George Strait song (All My Exes Live In Texas), and I’m once again on my own. Like the bumper sticker says, “Life is what happens while you’re making other plans”.
Thankfully, I’m finally beginning to get a handle on my depression. After several months of counseling and changes in medication, life is starting to look much better. I still have a ways to go, but I imagine that I’ll be dealing with depression in some manner for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, that depression, and my prolonged inability to get it under something resembling control, has cost me a second marriage. It’s also left me wondering whether or not I’ll ever be able to successfully maintain any sort of long-term relationship. Perhaps I’m destined to live life on my own. There are worst fates, I suppose, but after two strikes, it’s hard not to feel like damaged goods. Maybe I’ll just get a dog….
For now, though, my focus is on maintaining my recovery, if it can be called that. It’s taken me almost six months to remove my anterior from my posterior, and life is no longer the drab grey process it had been for so long. There are actually colors to it, and I’m enjoying life again as opposed to merely enduring it. I’m excited and curious about the future, but I also know that I have to take care of myself in the present tense. Like all of us, I’m making this up as I go, so perhaps something good can still come out of these interesting times. I just wish there didn’t have to be so much collateral damage.
Stay tuned….
