Remember Bush Administration spokespretty Dana Perino and that tough time she had remembering just what the Cuban missile crisis was? Well the other day she had another little missile crisis on Fox News Sunday, which is to say, she explained, she doesn’t really know what a missile is sorta, because, um, totes, kthanxbai, she was born a girl. “Some of the terms I just don’t know,” she explained. “I haven’t grown up knowing. The type of missiles that are out there: patriots and scuds and cruise missiles and tomahawk missiles. And I think that men just by osmosis understand all of these things, and they’re things that I really have to work at….”
OK, so I’m just gonna go ahead and just get the horribly, irretrievably sexist part of this rant out of the way right off the bat. No, Dana Perino isn’t going to beat anyone out to be a Rhodes Scholar. She may not even remember what the Cuban Missile Crisis was all about. That’s OK, though…because a lot of guys (and, yes, I would have to count myself among them) would dearly love to have their own personal Cuban Missile Crisis with her…if you know what I mean. Yeah, that’s right; I’ll own up to it: she could park her twisted ideology and blonde moments under my bed any day. In the meantime, most of us are eagerly awaiting the release of the rumored Dana Perino Sex Tape. Oh be still, my foolish heart…and parts further south, as well.
There…now that the raw, unbridled sexism common to us horny single males is out of the way, there’s still the sad reality that Ms. Purina…er, Perino…appears to be somewhat out of her comfort zone, intellectually speaking. I don’t think anyone expects her to be able to differentiate a Scud missile from a Claymore mine…as long as we can fantasize about her being naked (OK…I know; enough with the trite objectification, already….). Still, understanding the basics of the Cuban missile crisis should be something that someone who answers directly to the President should know at least a little something of…don’tchathink?? I don’t expect a masters-level dissertation on the history and significance of the events surrounding it, and/or a play-by-play of the Cuban Missile Crisis. Jeebus, people, if you can’t distinguish the Cuban Missile Crisis from an erectile dysfunction medication…well, should you really be working at the highest level of government? And it’s not as if Ms. Purina…er, Perino…didn’t get an education. The woman’s got a master’s degree in Public Affairs, ferchristsake.
Nonetheless, I’d forgive Ms. Perino all of her copious ignorance and her blonde moments…if only she’d park her Manolo Blahniks under my Tempurpedic. Hey, a man can dream, no?? If I was forced to pick someone I’d stalk, ideology and ditziness aside, I’d have to say that Dana Perino would definitely be at the top of my list.
Wait for it…the Secret Service should be knocking on my door in 4…3…2…. ;-)
