A defecating terrorist invaded the heart of American democracy on Sunday and literally crapped all over it. St. Paul police reported that a shitmonger breached the defenses of the mighty Minnesota Homeland Security and Emergency Management building and pooped in several rooms before prancing off into the night. The Shitting Bandit apparently just wandered in through an unlocked door in, let’s repeat that, the Minnesota Homeland Security building. He was captured on film by surveillance cameras, but police doubt they will ever get the sick individual in custody.
So, it would seem that al-Qaeda has stooped to truly nefarious, stealthy, and- dare I say it??- scatological methods in their never ending war against all that is good and righteous. Um, either that, or someone got some really bad burritos at a Taco Bell in St. Paul and just couldn’t make it home in time to offload the byproducts. Ugh….
I’m wondering how long it will be before John McCain begins claiming that Iran is training operatives in just this sort of clandestine scatological warfare? I mean, just how low will the folks stink sink? What’s next, monkeys flinging feces at passers-by in the IDS Tower atrium in downtown Minneapolis? Yep, before long, the McCain campaign will be touting his foreign policy experience to demonstrate the only a strong Republican leader such as John McCain cain save us from the scourge of feces-flinging monkeys…or Democrats (as if they differentiate between the two). I can see the commercials now:
“Weak, spineless Democrats simply don’t have the stomach to deal with the emerging threat of scatological terrorism. Must we be forced to endure indecisive, pusillanious leadership that would expose us to the threat of feces-flinging monkeys or terrorists who would defecate on our national treasures? Not on MY watch! I’m John McCain, and I approved this message….”
Good Lord, if we don’t get a handle on this threat, we could well be faced with the first Presidential campaign sponsored by Kaopectate. Or Depends. I’m not sure which would be worse.
St. Paul police say it’s unlikely that a man who entered a Minnesota government office building Sunday and defecated in several rooms will be caught.
Police department spokesman Tom Walsh said the unknown culprit who entered the Minnesota Homeland Security and Emergency Management building at 444 Cedar St. in downtown St. Paul probably didn’t target the building and apparently entered the empty offices through a door that wasn’t secured. The mess was found and reported to police by government employees Monday morning. The building was not broken into, Walsh said.
This leaves only one question in my mind, a question that ought to put bowel-clenching (no pun intended…really) fear into the hearts and minds of all American patriots. If the perpetrator of this rather odoriferous crime entered through an unsecured door, could this possibly have been an inside job??
And if this really is to be the latest trend in terrorist activities, shouldn’t we be proactive and close down all Taco Bells? Desperate times call for desperate measures
