It was NOT a good weekend in Jackville. No, it most definitely was not. I found out that I’m getting a divorce and I managed to lock my keys in my car- with the engine running, mind you. The car thing I managed to deal with, though it took 90 minutes and $60 I don’t have. The divorce…well, that’s another story. I understand why it has to happen, and I know that it’s probably for the best, but it still doesn’t make the reality of it any easier, and it doesn’t mean that I want it. Far from it. Man, life sucks sometimes, doesn’t it?
The past six months have been a very difficult time for me, both personally and emotionally. If you’d told me a year ago that I’d be where I am now, I would have laughed and bought you another beer. Yet here I am. It’s a sad thing to realize that the life you spent so long building can be unravelled with one irrational act.
I’ve always preached and believed that life is really only about decisions and consequences. I made a decision, and this is the consequence that flowed from that decision. It doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person, just that my depression and anger led me to leave home…an act of desperation I would never have thought myself capable of. Again, this isn’t where I wanted to be, but it’s where I am, and I’m not about to deny my responsibility for that. I am where I am largely because of the decisions I’ve made. Decisions have consequences.
I understand that I’m not solely responsible for the situation I find myself in. A marriage isn’t destroyed by a single blow from a sledgehammer. No, a marriage is destroyed by nibbling at the edges with a rubber mallet. Before long, enough has been chipped away that you’re left with something unrecognizable. So it was in our case, and I’m truly sorry that we (and I) didn’t do more to cherish and nurture what we had.
I wish things weren’t what they are. The reality is that I am where I am, and I can figure out how to make the best of things, or I waste time and energy pissing and moaning about my miserable lot in life. The pain will be there as I go through the grieving process, but life will and must go on…if only because the alternative ain’t pretty.
I hope that those of y’all who are married will take this as a cautionary tale. Cherish and value what you have…because if you don’t, you might just find yourself where I am. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
If I seem a bit less chipper than normal, I hope that you’ll understand why… ‘cuz sometimes it really sucks to be me….
