Y’all might remember Starbucks trumpeting that they were GOING TO BE UNVEILING SOMETHING BIG!! on Tuesday. Being the confirmed caffeine hound that I am (though I can quit anytime I want…I just choose not to), I was all atwitter with anticipation. What could SOMETHING BIG!! actually be? I had a few possibilities running amok through my overheated imagination:
Starbucks was being purchased by Hooters
All baristas would be topless, wearing grass skirts, and eager to break in their new company-supplied knee pads.
Starbucks would unveil their new line of sex toys…and yes, they come in decaf
Howard Schultz would shed his mortal coil, revealing himself to be the Lord of Hosts AND the new Panchen Lama.
Seattle’s City Council announcing that they had sold the naming rights to the city and that henceforth the city will officially be known as GuatemalaAntiguaville
As it turns out, the SOMETHING BIG!! was…well, not much of anything really. You’d think by now I’d understand that SOMETHING BIG!! to a suit equates to a YEAH, SO WHAT? or BIG (&^%$#@ DEAL!! to those of us less attuned to the corporate frequency. OK, so there’s a different logo on my paper coffee cup, and they’re serving a new brew. Big deal; by the time the caffeine kicks in and I’m awake enough to notice, I’m four miles down the road, and my paper coffee cup is (hopefully) just a few steps away from a recycling center.
Here’s a good rule to remember: if you’re going to announce SOMETHING BIG!, at least make it something interesting and worth getting excited over. I like Starbucks, and I’ll admit to being one of their biggest fans…but don’t get my hopes up and then unveil SOMTHING LAME!
