May 2, 2008 6:22 AM

Dealing with the demons

MY NEW HERO #109:
Sammie Stroughter and Zach Greinke

Over the years, I've written pretty honestly and openly about my battle with depression. It took me a long time to get to a place where going public didn't feel like an advertisement for pity, but the reality is that mental illness is something that effects something like one in six Americans. I have the misfortune of being one of the "one". Hey, some folks deal with alcoholism, some with drug addiction, and some wrestle with any and all manners of diseases/disorders (like being a Green Bay Packers fan, f'rinstance). Depression is nothing to be ashamed of, and I'm trying to do what little I can to put a face on the disease. Yes, I have a mental illness, one I will no doubt wrestle with to varying degrees for the rest of my (hopefully long, productive, and ornery) life. If my experience can help even one person to get help that might improve their life and their outlook, then all of the public self-disclosure I normally loathe will have been worth it.

Depression is not something that just impacts those anonymous, nondescript, middle-class sorts like myself. Depression doesn't respect race, class, income, or any other sort of dividing line. Oregon State University wide receiver Sammie Stroughter and Kansas City Royals pitcher Zach Greinke are but two examples of this. It doesn't matter if you're young or old, rich or poor, talented or possessed of two left feet. Depression doesn't care how man zeroes are on your paycheck, or how many private planes you own. You may function on a very private level as I do, or in the very public milieu that athletes ply their trade in.

I can only speak for my own experience, but for me depression takes away the opportuniy to fully appreciate the subtle nuances that are part and parcel of life. Life becomes black and white, and I lose the ability to recognize, much less appreciate, the grey areas. As time goes by and i begin to travel down that slippery slope, the difficulty becomes gaining (or regaining) any sort of emotional traction. I might want to be able to get myself back to "normal", but after awhile I lose sight of whatever "normal" represents for me. That's when the "fun" starts.

I'm fortunate in that I'm a fairly private person whose internal dramas don't play out on a pitcher's mound or a football field. I can't imagine what it must be like having to wrestle with my demons while simultaneously trying to function and perform at a very high level. That's not meant to minimize my dilemma, of course, but recognizing that things could very definitely be worse is one of the things that helps me to maintain some perspective.

So, if were to find myself in a crowded room right about now, I'd be introducing myself by standing up and saying, "Hello. My name is Jack, and I'm struggling with depression." At one time, it was something I was ashamed of, or at the very least embarrassed about, but that time has long since come and gone. While I'm certainly not one to brag about depression and/or my occasional suicidal thoughts (and plans), I also don't want to pass on whatever opportunities might present themselves for me to make a difference. If I can help one person somewhere along the line, then this has all been worth it- because it will keep my head above water as well.

Happy Friday, y'all. If you need me, I'll be the one sliding on the ice with my trousers around my ankles.... ;-)

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on May 2, 2008 6:22 AM.

This is going to be one of those "Three weeks from now, I'll be wondering how I ever lived without it" things, isn't it?? was the previous entry in this blog.

Full of sound and fury, signifying...well, not much of anything, really is the next entry in this blog.

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