Today is a very special day for a lot of folks...as I suppose it should be. Being a parent, though something I have no experience with (and likely never will), is a pretty special thing, and definitely worth the celebrating Mother's Day is designed to foster. For me, though, today is going to be like any other. I will "celebrate" this Mother's Day as I have so many others...by not celebrating it. Over the years, I've made numerous efforts to reconnect with my parents, only to discover that my mother really has little interest in a relationship beyond a mind-numbing discussion of the weather and her pets. I've heard through my brothers and my ex that Mom wonders why I no longer make any effort to maintain any sort of connection. Well, the answer is pretty simple, really. When I'm the only one who puts forth any effort, why would (or should) I continue trying to maintain a relationship with only one side to it?
Mom will occasionally write, and I get a Christmas card from her every year, but she seems not to recognize that I actually do have a telephone...and that it works. Then again, even on those rarest of occasions when we do talk on the phone, our conversations rarely stray from her pets and the weather in southwestern Wisconsin. I've tried over the years; I really have. At this point, I simply cannot justify the continued expenditure of emotional capital on a relationship that not only doesn't exist now...it never did.
I've long since had to come to grips with the reality that the only thing I have in common with my family is biology. I love them all, and I wish things were different, but they're not. In spite of it all, I would be willing to try to maintain some sort of relationship with my parents, if only there was the barest hint of effort and emotional involvement on the other end. At this point in my life, though, I know that this is never, ever going to happen. Wishing that things were different will not make them so.
It's on days like this that I really, truly miss having a family in my life. The truth is, though, that my family has never really ever been part of my emotional life, even when I was growing up. I've always been on my own, and now is really no different than it was when I was 18. It's just that now I'm old enough to know what I'm missing. And I do miss what I've never had.
No, it's not easy being me sometimes...but it certainly beats the alternative....
