It's been said- probably by me at some point- that advice is meaningless until and unless the person being counseled is open and amenable to said advice. So it is with me. For years now, friends and family have tried to help me understand the power over and the impact upon my life that the negative energy I carry with me has. Sadly, now that I'm beginning to step back and honestly take a look at my life, I'm finally (if somewhat belatedly) coming to realize and understand just how much negative energy I've allowed into my life and what a tremendous burden and detriment to me that has been over the years.
I have a friend who, for whatever reason, has an amazing facility for focusing aspects of my personality back at me as if I was looking into a mirror. Suddenly, I'm finding myself forced to look at my life and the way I go about living it in a way and from a perspective that feels completely new and unique and...well, rather frightening, to be honest. (F'rinstance, my penchant for self-deprecating humor? Too often, it's a way for me to justify low expectations...and if the expectations are consistently low, it's difficult to be disappointed, no?)
There really has been a tremendous amount of self-generated (and self-perpetuated) negative energy in my life, going all the way back to my childhood and continuing through right on up to the present. Some of these things I've known about for many years, and others I'm just now discovering. These things I've carried with me over the years have been far more burden than benefit, and the price I (and those around me) have paid has been both considerable and unnecessary. What it all means is that I've done a wonderful job of sabotaging myself and those around me whom I've cared for and loved throughout my life. I've caused loved ones a tremendous amount of pain stemming directly from my inability to deal with the pain and voluminous negative energy I've carried with me all throughout my life.
To those of you I've hurt, you have my sincerest apologies. You know who you are, and no, regardless of how much I might wish otherwise, I cannot unring that bell. Much of what I carry around with I'm not even aware of until the damage has already been done. I generally have no idea at the time it's happening that I'm engaging in self-defeating behaviors that really only serve to put up barriers between myself and the people I want in my life. It's contributed to the death of two marriages and way too much pain and suffering over too many years.
I suppose I should be thankful for someone willing and able to hold a mirror up to me and convince me that looking- really looking- at the reflection can only be a good thing. I want to be a better, more supportive, and...well, better...person. I'm not certain that I really understand exactly how to approach that sort of undertaking, because it really does feel like a lot of very hard work. When I look at the damage I've left in my wake, though, out of respect for those I've hurt (and for myself), I'm not certain that there's a better option.
Like all of us, I suppose, I'm still a work in progress, flying the airplane while simultaneously building it. By the time I figure it all out, it will be time to go...but that doesn't mean I can't try to do the right things for the right reasons going forward. I suppose it's all any of us can hope to do.
Stay tuned....
