It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone do what I've done?
I missed the life
I missed the colours of the world
Can anyone go where I am?- 3 Doors Down, Away From The Sun
Now that I've finally been able to begin the process of removing my anterior from my posterior, I'm learning (or, I should say, "relearning") some things about myself. Due to some recent events, the details of which are important only to me and need not be detailed here, I feel as if I'm rediscovering myself...and I've gotta tell you that's it's an amazing process.
Perhaps most middle-aged adult males take this sort of thing for granted. I have no idea, because I can only speak for myself, but I'm learning that there's a lot more to me ( positive things) than I'd been willing to give myself credit for. From time to time I find myself wondering where this newly-discovered self-awareness has come from, but I think it's been there all along; I've just been so overwhelmed emotionally that I'd managed to completely lose sights of some of the things I really do have going for me.
(Cue the Sally Field clip: "YOU LIKE ME! YOU REALLY LIKE ME!!")
F'rinstance, I'm rediscovering that I really am a very positive person. Somewhere along the line I'd managed to forget this, but I really have been blessed with the ability to see the good in people and situations and to see everything and everyone that passes through my life as a learning opportunity. You may only be part of my life for a brief moment, but I'll bet that there's something that I can and probably have learned from you. That makes me a richer person (and, apparently, one who's not above stealing a good idea from anyone) for having known you.
Along those lines, I have a reserve of patience that I'd long since forgotten. I really do have the ability to recognize that not everything happens at the speed I might like or for the reasons I might prefer. Sometimes things don't happen the way I'd like them to, but sometimes life just happens. I can't control it, and I often can't even influence it, because so much of what happens occurs outside of me. All I can do is to place myself in a position and a mindset where I expect good things. The rest is largely out of my control. The kids call this "living in the moment"- something I'd completely forgotten that I can be quite adept at if I'm mindful of it.
When people meet me, their first impression of me generally involves the words "laid back"...and I suppose there's something to that. I've always believed that if you plan life to the nth degree, you run the risk of missing out on opportunities that might come your way simply because of where you are. I've managed to do some pretty amazing things over the course of my life simply by virtue of being open to possibilities at a time when they came knocking on my thick skull. I'm not laissez-faire, but I'm not far off...and it seems to have worked reasonably well for me so far. There is something to be said for recognizing that sometimes life really IS what happens while you're making other plans.
I feel as if I'm crawling out of a long and very dark cave, and I'm beginning to recognize that the light at the end of the tunnel really isn't an oncoming train. It's a wonderful and very satisfying feeling, because after being where I've been, it's much easier for me to appreciate and cherish the place I find myself in now. Of course, I wish that I could have accomplished this without the collateral damage and the pain and suffering I'm responsible for creating. I wish I could go back and change that, but if there's one hard lesson I've had to relearn, it's that I can't change my past any more than I can dictate my future. What I CAN do, though, is to do my level best to live in this moment and enjoy it for what it represents- my life. I'd give just about anything to undo the pain and suffering that I'm responsible for creating, but the best I can do is to offer my sincerest mea culpa and ask for forgiveness. I may wish things were different, but they're not. When you go directly for zero to the nuclear option, there's going to be a fair amount of fallout; so it is with my life. For now, My goal is to do every today better than I managed to do every yesterday. If I can manage that, I think I'll be in pretty good shape.
I also feel as if I've returned to myself to the degree that I can honestly say I'm doing my level best to live up to the two very simple rules I've always set for myself:
- Enjoy the ride
- Don't be a dick
Two very simple rules, to be certain, but not ones I've often been as successful in adhering to as I would have liked. I'd like to change that going forward, and I think I'll be able to.
All that being said, I'm beginning to like where I am, and in rediscovering that I really am a good person, I feel as if I'm at a crossroad. One road leads to complete, utter destruction and humiliation...and the other to unimaginable pain and misery. Uh, wait...I really need to stop channeling Woody Allen, eh?
I don't know what the future holds for me, but I'm learning to like and enjoy the present...and that's not such a bad place to be. It's just too bad that in order to reach this place I had to blow up so much along the way.
Here's to hoping that today will be better than yesterday.... ;-)
