We took the highway till the road went black
We'd marked Truth or Consequences on our map
A voice drifted up from the radio
And I thought of a voice from long ago
- Bruce Springsteen, Last to Die
Whodathunkit?...but, yes, there is life after 40...and it's not at all what I thought it would be.
Not. Even. Close.... Really, though; I suppose that's part and parcel of the mystery of life. You think you're going to end up in a certain place, and...BAM!...you end up somewhere that doesn't even vaguely resemble your anticipated destination. You think you're heading for Hollywood...and you end up in Fresno. Yeah, it's still California, but you might as well be in Iowa, knowwhutimean??
The interesting part of my journey has been discovering that I'm not alone- far from it, as a matter of fact. It would seem that the social landscape is changing beneath my feet. Time was when a single man in his late 40s might have been the object of some not-so-very-polite speculation: What's wrong with him? I'm continually running across people who have arrived at a place similar to my own, albeit for their own unique reasons...and we're all looking. It may be for a partner, an emotional resting place, or some sort of intimacy- whether emotional, physical, or spiritual. For all of us, though, the search continues...along with the realization that, for most of us, where we are is not at all where we expected to be at this point in life.
It's been a long, strange trip, without a doubt. Over the past year, I've
- decided that it was finally time to take care of myself,
- blown up my marriage,
- moved halfway across the country,
- almost lost my job because I couldn't remove my anterior from my posterior,
- contemplated suicide,
- gotten myself off depression medication after 4 years, and
- somehow managed to come out the other side relatively intact.
This is not at all where I thought I'd be, and while I wish I'd had the wherewithal to handle things differently, I can't complain. I'm in a happier place, I feel (relatively) emotionally intact, and I'm live in a place I love. When the choice is to continue being miserable in order that your partner can have what they want...well, eventually the bills are going to come due. It's been almost a year now, and I'm finally beginning to feel as if I'm on top of things. Like anyone, I have good days and bad days, but the good days are more numerous and more memorable than they might have been a year ago.
Of course, there's still the reality that I've hurt a lot of people (myself included), and there are a lot of apologies due for my actions. I wish I could go back and change things, but I can't. I am where I am, and, all things considered, I'm at peace with that. I can't change what's happened, but I can try and do things better today...and that's the way I've decided to live. If I can do today better than I did yesterday, then today will be a very good day.
And here's a wee bit of wisdom from Captain Obvious: happiness isn't a destination, it's a journey. The challenge lies in finding the right path.