On the day after one man discovered the pitfalls of do-it-yourself surgery, I find myself once again pondering my place in the world. Perhaps it's just that, on the third day of a three-day weekend, I've got a wee bit too much time on my hands. In a little, I'll go to the gym on burn off some of this introspective energy, but for now it seems, as it so often does, that there are many more questions than answers.
It's going on a year now that I've been here in Portland, and I've officially been single for a bit over a week now. Of course, the legal niceties merely reflect the truth of what my life has been for the past year. So here I am, still trying to figure out what happens next...not exactly where I expected I'd find myself at this point in my life. That whole "Life is what happens when your making other plans" thing? Well, yeah; I'm here to tell you that there's something to that. I may have made the decision to leave my marriage and move back to Portland, but to say that I was prepared for the aftermath would be nothing if not far from the truth.
Over the past year, I've managed to sort through most of the emotional wreckage and effectively (and figuratively) remove my anterior from my posterior. I've gotten a handle on my depression while also managing to get myself off two different anti-depressants. For the past few months, I've figured out a way to deal with the pain, the anguish, the anguish, and the tremendous, almost crushing sense of loss without chemical assistance. It's just me and my emotions, and I've been able to relearn how to deal with life's ups and downs. I just wish that I could be where I am without having left a trail of pain behind me.
In a sense, it's difficult to believe that it's been close to a year since I left my marriage and Houston behind. Every now and then, I'll look around me and have one of those "What in the Hell have I done?" moments. It can be a truly otherworldly, almost out-of-body experience when I realize that yes, I really am here and I really am once again single. Given the way my life has unfolded, it's hard sometimes not to feel like perhaps this is what I deserve, perhaps I'm simply destined to be alone. No, that's not me wallowing in self-pity; it's just me trying to figure how I got here and why my life is where it is.
Most of us dream of changing the world in large, sweeping brush strokes...while the reality is that most of us will be left to tinker around the margins. I can't begin to know what the rest of my life holds for me or where my path will lead, of course, but I can try to learn from the mistakes (and triumphs) that have lead me to where I am today. I can ask for forgiveness, but I can't reasonably expect it until I can figure out how to forgive myself. That still appears to be a long ways off.
On this Labor Day, I hope that all is well with you and yours. I hope that you will cherish those that populate and enrich your life...because I'm here to tell you that that can all go away in a heartbeat. Enjoy your day, and be thankful for the blessings that you have in your life. Let this be a day when you recognize and celebrate all that you take for granted on a day-to-day basis. I hope that none of you will ever have to find yourself in the situation I find myself in now. No, I'm not looking for sympathy. After all, I'm where I am through decisions I made and the consequences that flow from them. I'm dealing with the consequences of my decisions as best I can and doing the best I can to create a positive and happy future for myself. Stay tuned....
