September 13, 2008 6:10 AM

Presidential politics is SO much easier when you break things down scientifically, eh??

So, I've been trying to get this election straight in my own mind as I try to determine what makes the candidates who they are and what makes them indispensable to our country's future. Then I ran across this analysis by John Aravosis...and suddenly it all makes sense:

  • If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you're "exotic, different."

  • Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, a quintessential American story.

  • If your name is Barack you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.

  • Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you're a maverick.

  • Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.

  • Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you're well grounded.

  • If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience.

  • If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking executive.

  • If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're not a real Christian.

  • If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a Christian.

  • If you teach teach children about sexual predators, you are irresponsible and eroding the fiber of society.

  • If, while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state's school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant, you're very responsible.

  • If your wife is a Harvard graduate laywer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family's values don't represent America 's.

  • If you're husband is nicknamed "First Dude", with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn't register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that hates America and advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on September 13, 2008 6:10 AM.

Yes, it really is apparently just this easy was the previous entry in this blog.

It's a helluva way to start a weekend, isn't it? is the next entry in this blog.

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