Being here in Texas again, I'm constantly exposed to all manner of Right-wing lunacy. What really tripped my trigger was a radio ad I heard trumpeting the angelic qualities of Republicans. This is Texas, after all, and it's about as Red as Red can be, so over-the-top ads painting Democrats as Evil Incarnate are hardly anything unusual. Still, I think I can do them one better, so I'm here to present my own version of a Republican ad. Since a radio ad lacks the potential for impressive visuals, I thought I'd write a television ad. See what you think about this:
"MORNING IN AMERICA"
THE SCENE: A beautiful sunlit morning in a lush green meadow. Beautiful, impeccably-dressed White children cavort in the grass, lovingly watched over by their equally beautiful and well-coiffed, expensively-garbed parents. The backdrops just screams "Morning in America".
(The camera pans over the meadow, capturing the smiling children as they rush into the arms of their adoring mothers. The mothers are wearing beatific smiles beamed upon their children like rays of golden sunshine.)
WOOLLEY: Hello, I'm Beverly Woolley, and I'm a Texas State Senator. The elections finds our great country facing many serious challenges. The economy, our security, the future of our children. All of these concerns and more have us thinking, now more than ever, about how best to secure the future for our children.
(A beautiful blond girl enters the scene from camera left. Woolley smiles warmly at her as the girl chases a butterfly and exits camera right.)
WOOLLEY: As you prepare to vote, I'd like to remind you of all that Republicans have done over the years to ensure that Our Way of Life © remains safe and secure. Only Republicans fully understand the grave threat facing our nation. Evil, swarthy Islamofascists lay awake at night dreaming of how to hurt us and achieve their ultimate goal of destroying America and then turning it into an evil Caliphate.
Only Republicans recognize and understand that Democrats are in league with both Satan and Osama bin-Laden. Democrats would turn this great country over to those responsible for the 9.11 attacks.
Only Republicans love America enough to sacrifice our own children in a foreign land that has nothing to do with the war on terror. We understand that terrorists don't take the easy or obvious route, so while Iraq may not have been a hotbed of terrorism prior to 2003, and while it may not have been DIRECTLY involved in or responsible for 9.11...IT COULD HAVE BEEN. THAT is why we've willingly and unquestioningly acquiesced to sending our children off to fight with the knowledge that they may be returning home in flag-draped boxes.
Democrats would have us wait until the most unspeakable evil has been visited upon this country prior to responding. Only Republicans understand the reality that sometimes we have to obliterate a people or risk being obliterated ourselves. God knows this, since God is a Republican. He knows that sometimes you must destroy in order to avoid being destroyed...and Lord knows that no one destroys things quite like Republicans.
(Woolley stops for a moment, listens to the birds chirping, and then gazes beatifically upon the children frolicking behind her. She turns back to camera with a look of determination and resolve.)
WOOLLEY: Today, our security is not just related to the threat of radical Islamofascist terrorism. The current difficult economic situation also threatens America's safety and security. In today's current economic climate, only Republicans understand that you don't change horsemen in the midst of an Apocalypse. With Wall Street running amok, CEOs collecting golden parachutes as they drive their companies into the ground, only Republicans recognize that the way to REAL economic reform is through less regulation. We need to allow the markets to work. Left to their own devices, companies and markets will police themselves. They recognize that greed does not support the public good, and they understand the awesome power they wield in a free market economy. Republicans believe that CEOs and those in positions of power will do the right thing then called upon to take action. Introducing government into this equation will only serve to muddy the waters and create a situation that Democrats will exploit to their own partisan advantage.
Democrats would increase regulation and oversight, demand accountability, and require that companies stop using questionable accounting methods to mask huge losses. This will only serve to erode public confidence in the free market. When people see companies they invest in and respect exposed to public ridicule and opprobrium, that only serves to erode both confidence and stock prices.
Only Republican fully understand the dynamics of a free market, and we will continue to do everything we can to ensure that markets continue to function free of the annoying drag of accountability and anti-trust laws. Transparency will only lead to embarrassment, which will lead to talented individuals avoiding careers on Wall Street.
(Woolley stops for a moment to collect herself, sighs, and wipes a tear from her eyes. She once again looks back at the children with a look of adoration and the contentment of someone who knows with absolute certainty that she is one of the Chosen.)
WOOLLEY: As you get ready to head into the voting booth this coming Tuesday, I want to explain to you some of the basic differences between Republicans, and evil, terrorist-coddling, Democrats.
Republicans understand the sanctity of the family and it's central role in securing this country for Jesus Christ. Democrats wants to sleep with your children, and they hang around 24-hour adult video stores with tubes of Astroglide and boxes of Kleenex.
Republicans salute the American flag and honor all that it symbolizes. Democrats spit on the flag and use it to polish the jackboots with which they'll step on your throat.
Republicans understand the necessity to unquestioningly support our President in all he said and does. Anointed by God, he is a man of great faith and certain, steadfast leadership. Democrats would put him on trial for war crimes after they end the righteous Crusade in Iraq.
Republicans understand that God is on their side, and if you've seen the pictures in your Bibles, you know that God is a White man. Democrats would have us chanting the mantra of diversity and believing that anyone can become President, regardless of the color of their skin. If God intended for a Black man to be President, then why do all the pictures in our Bibles show a beneficent White man?
Republicans honor those veterans who have gone to war to preserve our righteous freedoms and to make the world save for those who spread the word of Jesus Christ to the heathen, America-hating corners of the Earth. Democrats would see these veterans living under bridges as they dive into dumpsters looking for sustenance.
Republicans believe in Mom, apple pie, and Chevrolet. Democrats put their mothers in nursing homes, throw apple pies at passing cars, and drive Toyotas.
(Woolley stops once again to gather herself, and then fixes a determined stare on the camera.)
WOOLLEY: On Tuesday, we all have important decisions to make. Do we vote to keep this country on the path of righteousness and godliness? Or do we vote for those who would turn this country into a socialist Paradise and hand over the reigns of power to those determined to destroy Our Way of Life ©? I can only pray that you will choose wisely and prayerfully. The righteous and holy party of God? Or evil, diversity craving Leftists who would send our children off to re-education camps and ban the Bible from not only our schools, but our homes?
I can only pray that you will choose wisely, and I hope that I've been able to clearly and convincingly explain the differences between Republicans and evil, Satan-worshipping Liberal Democrats. I'm confident that you know who the real Americans are.
Thank you for your time, and your devotion to ridding America of the evil Islamofascist menace that is all around us today. God Bless America...and the Republican Party!!
(As the camera pans away from Woolley and back to the children at play, the camera slowly fades to black with a background of martial music.)
