January 4, 2009 5:15 AM

If I was King of the World, this will be the first thing I'll outlaw

Let it be known throughout the Realm...for when I am finally able to kill of all of my rivals and ascend to my rightful place as Supreme Ruler of the Universe...well, things are going to be different. To begin with, anyone dumping a tub of Gatorade on the head of a victorious football coach shall be immediately, summarily, and mercilessly executed on the spot- no questions asked, no quarter given.

Look, y'all; once upon a time it was a quaint and original gesture...that's long since lost whatever meaning and significance it once had. Now any coach who wins a game that carries any meaning at all can count on being doused with Gatorade or ice water...or both. Once upon a time, you won a Super Bowl...and you got doused. Now, you win the East Bumfuck Pop Warner League Championship...and you get doused. Enough already; if you can't a more original way to celebrate than a couple of hyperglandular lineman skulking behind a coach's back with a tub of Gatorade, just stop. Please...in the name of all that's good and holy and original...put down the tub and find something original- like dousing the opposing team's mascot with gasoline and setting it on fire.

I know what's going to happen here. Some idjits will test my resolve, but trust me on this one. Players WILL be summarily and mercilessly executed. Consider this your first- and only- warning.

Tune in this coming week for my next decree: the Swedish Bikini Team will be put under my direct command and control and will be on call 24/7/365. So let it be written. So let it be done.

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on January 4, 2009 5:15 AM.

Today's signs that the Apocalypse is upon us was the previous entry in this blog.

And you wonder why I don't miss Texas.... is the next entry in this blog.

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