February 16, 2009 6:00 AM

Be patient with me, I'm still a work in progress

Mile upon mile got no direction,
We're all playin' the same game.
We're all looking for redemption,
Just afraid to say the name.

So caught up now in pretending,
That what we're seekin' is the truth.
I'm just looking for a happy ending,
All I'm looking for is you.

  • Pat Green, Wave On Wave

I've always believed that we arrive at where we are in life as a consequence of the decisions we've made over the years. Decisions have consequences (and, in some cases, body counts), and the contours of our lives are generally determined by the consequences of those decisions. In my case, I've dealt with the consequences of some decisions that, though they've led me to where I am today (which, trust me, is turning into a pretty good place to be), have left me feeling guilty about the wreckage I've left in my wake. This guilt assumes, of course, that I bear sole responsible for the pain and anguish created by my decisions. In some cases I do, but more often than not it's been a team effort. A marriage generally doesn't crumble without both participants taking an active (or mutually inactive) role in it's demise. I've done a pretty good job over the past year and a half of assuming perhaps more than my fair share because of the way things ended. That's put me in a place emotionally which left me feeling quite vulnerable and not terribly worthy of having good things in my life. I didn't realize this, of course, until someone came along who spoke to me in a way that I was willing to not only to hear but really listen to. Sage counsel is worthless if it's bouncing off a wall. For whatever reason, I'm opening to hearing AND listening, and I'm beginning to realize that it's past time to let go of my guilt. It's time to get on with the business of living...and who knew it could be so sweet and satisfying, eh?

As I've tried to provide a history of how I got to where I am today, my biggest fear was of being judged and found wanting for what I've perceived as my "crimes". Like many of us, I've made decisions that in retrospect I wish I'd been able to perhaps make a bit differently. Mistakes were made. The consequences were in many cases not what I'd anticipated, and I don't like being responsible for causing pain to those I care about. Instead of being judged and found wanting, though, what's been reflected back to me is understanding and a far less judgmental perspective than I've been willing to grant myself. Sure, I've made mistakes (who among us hasn't?), and I've made decisions that, given the benefit of hindsight, I would undoubtedly want to do over. I know I can't change what's come before, but neither have I found it easy to forgive myself. It would seem that I'm my own worst enemy. Who knew??

Wow...perhaps I'm not the f--kup I've thought myself to be, eh? Perhaps it's time for me to consider granting the same forgiveness to myself I try to grant to others. And perhaps it's time for me to stop focusing so much on the things I can't change and focus more on the things I can. The past is done, and I can't begin to know what the future holds, but I can still influence and enjoy this moment, which is all I (or any of us) really have. The good thing is that I'm discovering that the present moment is a pretty sweet place to be. Why would I not want to enjoy it?

Yes, kids, it does NOT suck to be me these days...and I wasn't sure I'd be in a position to be feeling that way again. Then again, time wounds all heels, no??

Happy Monday, y'all!! ;-)

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About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on February 16, 2009 6:00 AM.

Eh...we'll just cut taxes. That'll fix everything...right?? was the previous entry in this blog.

Oh, the humanity...and what about our poor, vulnerable, impressionable children?? is the next entry in this blog.

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