Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
- Albert Einstein
(apologies to Bob Dylan for the title....)
Every now and again, if we're fortunate, we get to see ourselves reflected back to ourselves as others see us. This is rarely an easy or pleasant thing to confront, at least in my case, because I'm forced to see the true, unvarnished reality- not what I think I see or what I think I am, but what others actually see in me. The honesty and brutality of that simple act can be terrifying and awe-inspiring. This is particularly true in my case, because...well, because it's me we're talking about here, and this means that I actually have to DO something.
I mention this because I find myself in a precarious position, somewhere between losing someone I care deeply about and losing myself. No, I'm not about to go into detail, but let's just say that I've been given a project. The short version is that I've been tasked with taking the next four months to see if I can find myself. Imagine being provided with a destination, but refused a road map after realizing that you have NO idea how to get to the appointed place at the appointed time. In my case, I not only have to figure out the route and how to undertake the journey, I also have to figure where the destination is. Yeah, it's the emotional equivalent of flying an airplane and building it at the same time. Given that I'm less than 12 hours into this project, I realize that the answers I'm looking for are going to take some time to discover- if only because I first need to determine the questions I need to ask. My head is spinning at the moment, because it's easy to get lost in the seeming enormity of the task. Frankly, it scares the Hell out of me. This is going to force me to force myself out of my tightly defined comfort zone. If I'm to be honest with myself, though, (and it's about damn time I started) I recognize that this is something I have to do. Not to be melodramatic, but this is about survival for me. It's about how I'm going to live out whatever time I have left on this planet. Am I going to do it for others, or am I going to learn how to love and take care of myself? It's not like anyone else is going to do it for me, right?
Being a Buddhist, I understand that life is suffering. The key, I suppose, lies in how you deal with that suffering, whether it's in letting it consume you or in learning how to keep it in it's proper perspective. Part of learning how to deal with suffering, at least for me, is going to be learning how to deal with attachments. How do I get a handle on my not insubstantial insecurities? How do I learn to hold on lightly? How do I learn to love, or even like, myself? I've always hated the phrase "comfortable in your own skin", mostly because I've never really learned how to be that. Right now, I'd like nothing more than to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin; I need to learn how to love (and, more importantly, like) myself. I want- no, I need- to learn how to be the kind of person that someone would want to be with. I want this not so that I'll feel loved and cared for by someone else, but because I want to feel loved and cared for by myself. In this, I'm finally admitting something to myself that I've long known but buried somewhere deep within myself. It's long past time for a little honesty.
It hurts to think about what the next four months may hold for me...especially since I have no ideas or guarantee of what I'll find come July. Honestly, thinking about how long four months can be is just too painful right now. What I need to do now is to break things down into manageable, bite-size chunks and get to work. Right now, I don't really know what that means, but at least I have my wits about me enough to understand that "one day at a time" is no mere abstract concept for me. The goal here is to find myself, which promises to be both surprisingly simple and devilishly complex.
Normally, I'm loathe to engage in this sort of self-disclosure here. This is a side of myself I'm not proud of, but like any of us, I'm human and have have my own kit bag filled with all sorts of issues. The beautiful thing is that this can be changed; none of this is written in stone. There will be changes along the way; I just have to learn how to make that happen as I fly and build this airplane. I can make it as complicated as I choose to, but none of what I'm recognizing as needing to be done is rocket science- which the History major in me is grateful for. ;-)
I don't know what the next four months will hold for me. I know what I want the destination to be, but I recognize that sometimes you have to let go in order to have any chance of something returning to you. In letting go, you run the risk that what you're letting go of may not return. All I know right now is that I've made some promises and I need to do my best to keep them. Once I get through this, things may look different. Or they may not. That outcome is largely up to me. I have a crisis on my hands, but I can also choose to see it as an opportunity...and if I'm smart, that's exactly what I'll do.
Yes, there is much work to be done...and it's time to get to work. Welcome to my own emotional 12-step program.
Hi, my name is Jack...and I'm a mess....
Stay tuned....
