March 26, 2009 4:39 AM

And it comes with a defibrillator and a side of Lipitor

It's 5/3 lbs (1.66) of beef with lettuce, tomato, salsa, sour cream, chili and Fritos on an eight-inch sesame seed bun. The team says it feeds one to four people and sells for $20, and if a person finishes the Fifth Third Burger in one sitting, the team will offer up a Fifth Third Burger T-shirt. Mickey Graham, the team's director of marketing and media relations, told us that they came up with this burger because it's something fun that people can understand.

There's something quintessentially American about eating what amounts to a heart attack on a plate while watching highly-conditioned athletes ply their trade. This is even more true when said meal contains the recommended daily allowance of calories, fat, and cholesterol...for a small village. Say what you will, but this burger really ought to be called the "Cardiologist Full Employment Burger".

In a nation that's enshrined one the the seven deadly sins as a competitive sport (competitive gluttony eating), this sort of thing hardly seems out of character. After all, the Travel Channel has an entire series devoted to a man who travels the country undertaking various and assorted gluttonous challenges. We LOVE this sort of thing, no? Yes, we do...so is this really anything other than a minor league baseball team trying to create some buzz and attract some attention (and hopefully put a few more [wide] butts in the seats?)? Looks like someone's marketing department has been working overtime, eh??

When I was a kid, my mother used to tell me that I had to finish my meal because there were kids in Africa who would love to have whatever slop had been placed in front of me. My response was always to ask why we couldn't box the crap up and ship it to them. Somehow, I think this burger would survive the journey just fine...and it likely could sustain a small Third World country for several days. For those of you wondering why (or if) you'd want to finish the Fifth Third Burger...well, there's always the t-shirt, right? Just try not to pay too much attention to the nutrition label:

Anyone up for dessert?? ;-)

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on March 26, 2009 4:39 AM.

If you think it's about what's best for the country, guess again was the previous entry in this blog.

Too bad they couldn't figure this out in 2004, eh? is the next entry in this blog.

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