March 5, 2009 5:02 AM

Notes drawn from a visit from Captain Obvious

In my continuing quest to "get over myself" (I wish those were my words, but alas, they're not), I've begun looking at the baggage I carry around with me. As it turns out, most of it truly is needless and serves no useful purpose (who knew?) except to drag me down. Part of the challenge I find myself dealing with currently is not only identifying the ways I'm holding myself back, but learning how to jettison the associated baggage. I'm finally recognizing, and learning, that you really can't completely and effectively be with someone in a relationship until you learn how to love (and like) yourself. No, I'm not going to "find myself" or "achieve enlightenment" in four months, but I can at least put myself on a path which if nothing else will put me in a better frame of mind.

So how do I become the kind of person someone would want to be with? How do I become the kind of person I'd want to be with? After a few short days, I'm beginning to recognize that my "challenge" isn't really anything approaching rocket science. Instead of looking at this process as one large and intimidating whole, I've decided to break it down into manageable, bite-size chunks. It may not make the process any easier, but at least it should appear less intimidating in the short term.

Where to begin, then?

One of my biggest disappointments/regrets/issues has always been my relationship with my family...or, more accurately, the lack of any discernible relationship with my family. From my parents to my three younger brothers, there is no relationship. It would take too long to go into the whys and wherefores, and it would likely bore y'all half to something close to death. Let's just say that I've always felt that the only thing I've EVER had in common with the rest of my family is biology. The fact that I've generally lived either half a country or half a world away from my family ought to tell you something about how I relate (or don't) to them. I've had to live my life as I've seen fit, because I came to understand that my family would never be there for me. Melodramatic, perhaps, but it's the reality I've had to come to grips with.

I've tried on several occasions over the years to re-kindle and maintain something resembling a relationship with my parents. Unfortunately, a relationship requires efforts from both sides in order to be successful, and that just hasn't happened...for reasons I'll likely never know, much less understand. Likewise, I've pretty much let all of my brothers go over the years. We've all gone our separate and led very separate lives, and we've all mutually (and without so much as a word) let our relationships go the way of the buffalo. They're all good people, but there has never really been any reason to keep in touch.

Yes, I've let go of my family over the years, and I did so willingly. Does that make me a bad person...or one who simply recognized reality for what it is? If you pound your head against the same wall long enough, all you're going to be left with is a bloody forehead and a massive headache. At some point you have to realize that you have the power to stop beating your beating against the same wall. After all, isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing repeatedly while expecting different results?

Growing up, I remember Uncle Joe, one of my father's siblings who would occasionally re-appear with great mystery and then just as quickly disappear. I have no idea what that was all about, but it does appear that my situation is not an atypical pattern in my family. In a very real sense, I've become Uncle Joe, the mysterious uncle that everyone knows is out there and "out there"...somewhere, doing God only knows what with God only knows who for God only knows what reasons. I don't mind some mystery in a relationship, but this is silly...and yet, it's my life.

Don't get me wrong; I love my family. I just have no connection with them. Sometimes, I'm not really sure why, but the reality is what it is. Now it's finally time that I found a way to forgive myself for my part in this fiasco and focus on enjoying the life I have now. I will never have the close, nurturing family bond that so many of y'all enjoy. This means that the holidays suck, but again, the reality is what it is. I learned a long time ago that, given the choice between spending the holidays with my family or alone, being alone isn't such a bad place to be.

I accept responsibility for my part of whatever it was that got us all to this point. By the same token, I'm tired of carrying the burden of feeling like things are what they are because I didn't try hard enough or long enough. I have to be able to accept that I will never, ever have the relationship with my parents that might have thought I wanted. I will also likely never enjoy more than the most cursory of relationships with my brothers. This realization, of course, doesn't change a thing. All it does is reflect my willingness to own up to reality and try to do what I can to impact what I'm able to: my own life and the relationships I choose to incorporate into it. This may not always reflect what I might want, but sometimes what you can have can be a very good thing...if you can figure out how to allow it to be. That's part of the challenge I've accepted for myself now.

So...progress is being made. No, I'm not going to "find myself" in four months, but if I can be well into the process of "getting over myself", then I'll be a happy...or at least happier...boy. Hopefully, I'll be a better person for it and a more enjoyable person to be with.

Tune in next time when Jack tries to figure out how to forgive himself for his myriad foibles, faults, and (&^%ups. This might just go into overtime, y'all....

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on March 5, 2009 5:02 AM.

Riding on the cutting edge of technology...while trying not to bleed too much was the previous entry in this blog.

Today's signs that the Apocalypse is upon us is the next entry in this blog.

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