March 2, 2009 5:45 AM

The problem with recognizing that things aren't working is that you actually have to take action in order to set yourself on a different course

Be the change you want to see in the world.

  • Mahatma Gandhi

I've never been a big fan of touchy-feely self-help gurus, but I'm finding myself at a point in my life where I'm realizing that things just aren't what I'd like them to be...and so I'm looking for help and ideas from any quarter. It's not just about making more money or dating a supermodel (not that there's anything wrong with either of those things), but there's a nagging, undeniable undercurrent that's becoming increasingly more difficult to ignore. If I'm in fact the captain of my ship, then I've been guilty of sailing my ship without having a hand on the tiller for quite some time now. Perhaps it's just a hangover from all of the drama of the past 18 months. Perhaps I've just been so focused on surviving that I've managed to lose sight of the fact that I'm the only one with any control over what happens in my life. Or perhaps I just stopped paying attention and stayed with the way things are because it's comfortable and I don't have to think about where I am and what I'm doing.

I don't necessarily know what's going to happen or how anything is going to change...only that things must and will change. I hate comfortable, and yet that's exactly where I've allowed myself to be for quite some time now. I feel as if I've finally begun to consider the reality of my life, and while it's certainly not a bad place to be, I'm still not where I want (or need) to be. The first, and perhaps hardest, steps have already been taken. Leaving behind a place I hated living in and a marriage that wasn't working were both major but necessary traumas. Eighteen months later, I feel as if I've finally found the strength to forgive myself and look forward. I still have a ways to go, but a fair amount of progress has been made. There's still a lot of work to be done, and while I don't yet really understand what all that means just yet, I need to do the heavy lifting necessary to find out. That means I'm going to have to honestly examine all aspects of my life so that I can find a way to effectively be the person I truly want to be. The fact that I'm having this conversation with myself can and should be taken as a clear indication that I'm not there yet. Not by a long shot.

The good thing is that I recognize that none of the work that needs to be done is difficult. It's just a matter of seeing it, recognizing it, and doing it. It's not the only challenge I'm facing right now, but it's one that I need meet head on. If this all sounds deliberately vague...well, it's because it is. I've never wanted to air my dirty laundry on da Interweb, and I'm not about to start now. Neither am I about to crawl under a rock, however, so perhaps I'll pull the curtain back a bit as things progress. Or not. Hey, I really AM making this up as I go along, knowhutimean??

Stay tuned. I've got some work to do.... ;-)

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on March 2, 2009 5:45 AM.

Christianity...yer doon it rong was the previous entry in this blog.

No, thanks...I think I'll walk is the next entry in this blog.

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