Dude, you are never having a three-way with Michelle Malkin and Anne Coulter, so get over it. :p
Man, I'd have thought that by this point in my life I'd have figured out this whole relationship thing. It seems the more I get into it, though, the more questions come to light. Try to get to know someone, and before you know it there are more questions than answers. What seemingly should be simple seems awkward and unfamiliar. Then again, I suppose there's always the possibility that this is what things are supposed to feel like when you try to take your time, take things slowly, and try to get it right. Perhaps in the past I've rushed into things so quickly that I just blew by the awkward part. Maybe this is what it's supposed to feel like. Maybe it's just me, but relationships seemed a whole lot easier when I was in junior high school.
There are times...most of the time, really...when I feel as if I'm having to learn all over again how to be in and maintain a relationship. I suppose that this is to be expected; after all, every person and every situation is different. Being possessed of an (often too) active intellect, my reaction in the face of uncertainty has always been to learn what I need to in order to increase familiarity and comfort. When I find myself in a situation in which I not only don't know the answers, I'm not even certain about the questions...well, it can be a bit stressful. I've never been very good at embracing the unknown for what it is; I'm always trying to make the unknown less so to whatever degree I'm able. As I'm continually learning, this is not always a good or useful thing. Sometimes the unknown is a necessary part of the equation...and it seems that I'm just now beginning to figure this out.
I've been learning the hard way that there are some things that simply can't be controlled...and it's probably better than way. A very wise man once explained to me that there's a significant difference between being "in control" and being "in charge". I can be in charge of my life, but it's a much more difficult proposition to be in control. Just when you think you're in charge, life happens...if for no other reason than to remind you that you're really not in control. You can have your hand on the rudder and be steering the ship in the right direction, but you can't control the tsunami that might be headed in your direction.
What's the moral of this story, then? Well, as best I can figure it, it's that sometimes, when you want to hang onto something, you really do have to relax your grip on it. As counter-intuitive as that might seem, all that death grip will accomplish is to choke the life out of whatever it is that you're trying to so hard to hang onto. I'm trying to learn how to do that, and a lot of it is simply learning to trust and respect myself...which is more of a challenge than I might have expected.
At this point, I'm fortunate to be with someone who chooses to be with me despite all my self-defeating efforts. It just might be that she sees something in me that I haven't been willing or able to see in myself. Perhaps if she can see her way to hang around long enough, I (we) might just figure this out. In the meantime, I'm thankful for what I have, and for being able to spend some time with someone whose company I'm coming to enjoy more with the passage of time...and really, isn't that what it should be all about?
Two steps forward. (At least) one step back. This is progress in my world. ;-)
