My life is the story of a man who always wants to carry too much. My spiritual quest is the painful process of learning to let go of things not essential.
- Real Live Preacher
I know y'all think it's easy being me- smart, debonair, possessed of a rapier wit and incisive analytical ability- but I'm here to tell you that below that seemingly smart, stylish surface lies the reality of a man all too often at war with himself. In that respect, I'm no different that most any thinking, feeling human...but it's my war, and one that I seldom, if ever, win. And yet I continue to fight it, perhaps because I never learned any way of making peace with myself. Ah yes...what were once vices are now habits....
One of the things that I've come to realize (and not entirely on my own) is that I'm far more judgmental of myself than anyone else around me. Again, this hardly makes me unique, but I seem to possess a facility for taking this quality to heights seldom attained by mere mortals. Not only am I my harshest critic, I'm also my worst enemy- just ask my girlfriend, whose patience with me has been as admirable as it has been legendary, and who could quickly and easily rattle off the catalog of self-defeating behaviors I've been known to engage in. Anyone looking from the outside would be asking, "Damn, dude, are you TRYING to scare her off?? 'Cuz if you are, you're doing a helluva job...." No, but you'd never know it by watching me....
I've been seeing a counselor for awhile now, mostly because it's finally dawned on me that in order to have anything resembling a healthy relationship (with myself and/or a woman), I need to figure out how to like myself. A seemingly simple concept, to be certain, but deceptively complex in it's execution. At least it is in my case.
If you asked me to come up with a list of 25 things I don't like about myself, I'd be halfway through the list before your lips stopped moving. Ask me to find 25 things I LIKE about myself, though...and there would be a lot of "Uh...." So that's the challenge I've been given. Oh, I imagine I'll be able to come up with 25 things, but what surprises me is how I've allowed myself to be conditioned to not think in those terms. Time to change that....
MUST. RESIST. URGE. TO,. MAKE. CHEAP. STUART. SMALLEY. JOKES.... The reality, though, is that, doggone it, people like me. On an intellectual level, I know that I'm a good person, and that I have a lot to offer. Slowly, haltingly, I'm beginning to understand that on an emotional level. I've never been very good at liking myself, at being as understanding and patient with myself as I am with others. Now that I'm feeling as if I'm beginning to understand what that means, I'm finally seeing how difficult I've made it for myself all these years.
It's nice to finally find myself in a position where, though I might not be exactly where I want to be emotionally, I'm a damn sight closer than I have been. It's amazing what can happen when you start to like yourself.
Yeah, I know; self-loathing really is highly overrated....
