And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.
- Woody Allen
A bit more than a week ago, I was diagnosed with adult ADD. Trying to come to grips with that has proved to be something of a challenge. I'm discovering that I have some decidedly mixed feelings about learning (or admitting) that I have ADD. It feels good to have something concrete to explain so much of what I've been dealing with and subjecting others to. It provides a starting point from which I can work to increase my understanding and (hopefully) develop some effective coping strategies. Even so, it's difficult not to feel overwhelmed. Can I deal with this? How do I deal with this? It's rather intimidating, though I realize that if I want to have a life worth living then I have no choice but to try to figure out how to deal with my new reality. This is NOT what I'd bargained for....
Over the past few days, I've done a lot of research, and it would appear I have some work ahead of me. The biggest thing I've realized, though, is how much ADD has impacted my life. For instance, I'm learning the hard way that ADD can be Hell on relationships. I'm on the verge of losing one with someone I care deeply about, and that's part of what has me so upset. The sum total of my behaviors, most of which are in fact symptoms of ADD, are in the process of chasing off someone I very much want to be part of my life. Of course, I understand that being with someone dealing with ADD can be exceedingly challenging...and often maddening. The impulsiveness, the disorganization, the lack of focus...all this and more means asking a lot of someone. The patience required to deal with someone trying to cope with ADD would be a difficult thing for Job to gather and maintain. It makes me wonder if and how I might ever be able to maintain and nurture a relationship without driving someone absolutely bat$#!% crazy.
I don't want to sound as if I'm feeling sorry for myself, because I'm really trying to avoid falling into that trap. One of the hallmarks of ADD, though, is that it's easy to feel overwhelmed...and at times like this, I really do. I will work on trying to adapt, because I know that I have to. I have a life to live, and I still have dreams and goals. In a sense, all having ADD does is mean that I need to figure out how to adapt and cope, so that I can achieve the things that I want out of life- in spite of this hurdle. I want a healthy, happy, rewarding relationship. I hope my current one can be saved, though I will have to understand if that person is unable to deal with me as I am. That's a lot to ask of anyone, and I know that I have to be fair and reasonable in my hopes and expectations. I will remain optimistic, but I also have to be realistic about what I- and we- are up against. Ultimately, I know that all I can do is the best I can to adapt and develop effective coping mechanisms. I also need to be good to myself and realistic with my expectations. Being with me is, and will no doubt continue to be, a challenge...and I understand that it's asking a lot of a person. Not everyone will be willing to do the heavy lifting and exercise the patience required...and there's absolutely no shame in that. I'm still a good person, but I understand that my ADD makes being with me a very challenging prospect. If I'm struggling- and I am- I can't even imagine the stress it must place on someone trying to cope with my myriad odd, unusual, and maddening behaviors.
More than anything, I want to be able to learn to live with ADD. I want to learn how to be successful in spite of it, instead of falling into the trap of using it as a crutch. ADD may be the reason I am who I am, but it's not an excuse. I just need to learn what I have to do in order to successfully cope with my new reality. I hope that I'll be able to save and preserve what I have, but I understand that this may not be possible. All I can do is do my best while I hope for the best. Hopefully, that will be enough. In the end, though, it may not be...and I have to be prepared to pick up and move on either way.
