It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor.
- Neil Gaiman, Sandman
Over the past couple weeks, I've had a lot to get used to. Being diagnosed with ADD has been both a blessing and a challenge. After spending my entire life feeling as if there's something wrong with me...I know realize that there in fact is. My brain simply doesn't process information in the same way most "normal" people do. Knowing what's "wrong" with me has helped me to understand some things. It's provided me with a starting point from which I can work to increase my understanding, develop some coping strategies, and try to figure out how to forgive myself.
Knowing what's "wrong" with me has also led me into an almost overwhelming grieving process. I've made such a mess of things, and I've lost so much because of my inability to deal with my world in the ways most "normal" people take for granted. Friends, jobs, opportunities, two marriages, countless relationships...all these and more have come into my life and then exited stage left. To spare myself the inevitable pain, I've learned to "protect" myself by isolating myself as much as possible. To call me a loner wouldn't begin to do justice to the depth and degree of my self-imposed and self-enforced solitude. It's just what I've done, mostly because I didn't know what else to do, nor did I have anyone to turn to for advice and solace. Of course, not knowing what the "problem" was certainly didn't make that any easier.
It would be easy to focus on what I've lost, but I can't go back and change any of that. What I can do is to be grateful for having someone in my life who has somehow managed to convince me to man up and come to grips with my demons. I'm beyond blessed to have someone in my life who's been able to look past my quirks and annoying, often self-destructive behavior. For reasons I can't begin to understand, she hasn't walked away...and Lord knows I'd made it very easy for her had she chosen to do so. ADD can be murder on a relationship, particularly when one or both partners don't know the underlying reason(s) for the odd behaviors that it manifests. I've lost track of how many women have walked away because they couldn't deal with me...and it's not as if I had a clue, either. All I knew was that I was stupid and immature...and completely unable to deal with a woman in an effective and caring manner.
I've been blessed with 5'3" of rich, creamy goodness sainthood. I say that not to place her on a pedestal, though it's not as if she isn't deserving. The patience and compassion she's displayed towards me are things that I marvel at. I say that because I literally would not be where I am if not for her kicking me in the ass (figuratively speaking, of course). Yes, I'm the one doing to heavy lifting involved in trying to adapt and cope with my ADD. Without her pushing me in that direction, though, I'd probably still be flailing away, perpetually frustrated and clueless. For some reason, she hasn't walked away. I may not understand why she didn't, but I'm beyond grateful that she hasn't. My life is a much richer, and far more serene, place for her presence in it...and I know that regardless of what the future holds, I will never, ever be able to repay her for what she has already done for me.
I am one very lucky man. Yes, I most certainly am....
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I'm still in the midst of grieving for the people and things who have exited (or been chased out of) my life. I wish I could change that, but I can't. It's a tough thing to have to deal with, but I can try and do things better going forward. I'd like to be able to make good all the pain and frustration I've strewn in my wake over the course of my life, but what's done is done. Bridges, once burned, can't be unburned. I can try to build new ones, though...and if that's the best I can hope for, well, it will have to do.
There's a lot of very raw emotion lurking just below the surface. The waters are not very placid, and I find myself becoming very emotional at the oddest moments. I suppose that's part of the grieving process, and I'm going to have to honor that. I've done more crying over the past three weeks that in the past few years. All I can do is to be good to myself and allow myself to grieve as and if needed. This too shall pass.
Throughout my life, my mind has felt like a Ferrari engine red-lining while it's in neutral. Even when I try to slow down, I can't. Now I understand why, and while I may not be able to change that reality, I can work on developing strategies for coping. One thing I'm learning is that I need to take more trips to the Oregon Coast. I've never known why I've always felt so comfortable and at home there, but I'm beginning to understand. Sitting on the beach and listening to the waves, I can almost literally feel my mind slowing down. It's the only place I've been able to find that kind of peace. I may just have to figure out how to be able to afford a house on the beach. Maybe I could write it off as a medical expense.... ;-)
I'm also very grateful for those of you who have responded with kind words of support. Between your comments and the emails I've received, I'm learning that I'm not alone. By sharing your experiences with me, you've helped me to understand that ADD (as my chiropractor so eloquently put it) "isn't a death sentence." There's hope, and I can learn to live with ADD. I can even work on creating and enjoying a successful and healthy relationship, though my ADD does create some additional and significant challenges for my partner. My hope is that we will be able to continue to enjoy and celebrate each other despite the challenges and frustrations that being with me can and will occasionally present.
To (hopefully) be continued....
