June 2, 2009 5:20 AM

Reality ain't what it used to be...nor what I'd like it to be. Not by a long shot.

I think you have to take a risk in order to find out about yourself. You're not going to find out anything if you don't risk anything.

  • Dr. Mia Rose

In a perfect world, I'd have something resembling a functional memory. I'd be able to remember what people tell me five minutes after they tell me. I'd be able to remember my girlfriend's maiden name. Or what kind of jewelry she likes. Or what I've already told her five minutes, two days, or three weeks ago. I'd be able to remember conversations we've had, because I was apparently present for them...or so she tells me.

It's incredibly frustrating having to deal with the fallout from having to come to grips with ADD. I don't know when it stops being a reason and becomes an excuse, but in either case it can be a challenge to finally have to admit to myself that my brain just isn't wired in the same way so many others seem to be. For years, I thought that I was stupid, inattentive, immature, or combinations of all of the above. It's not that I'm not paying attention, or that I don't care. I just don't retain things in memory, sometimes at all.

What I'm finally beginning to realize is the impact that my dysfunctional memory has on those around me. Being in a relationship with someone who can hear something once and commit it to memory can be very frustrating for both of us. It (understandably) drives her nuts when I repeat myself...which I apparently do with some frequency. I wouldn't know; I can't remember. It's frustrating for me, because I more often than not have no recollection of having told her something. At times, I find myself scared to say anything, because I'm afraid of repeating myself yet again.

For quite awhile, I would become angry with my girlfriend, because while she would be telling me that I was repeating myself, I would have NO recollection of any such conversation. Hence the problem. I found myself feeling like a victim, when in reality making this about me is both frustrating and counterproductive. It's finally begun to dawn on me how much of a burden I've been placing on the shoulders of someone I care deeply about. I would imagine that from her point of view, that concern and affection was probably less evident because of my reaction to what she was telling me.

One of the realities that I'm having to learn to deal with is that being in a relationship with someone who has ADD can be incredibly challenging. The amount of patience required to deal with my quirks and faulty memory makes Job look like a rank amateur. The fact that my girlfriend hasn't walked away still astonishes me...but then perhaps that part of the reason I care for her as much as I do. Being with me has got to be maddening at times. I live with myself 24/7, and I have trouble dealing with it all. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like trying to cope with me from the outside.

I suppose the challenge for me at this point lies in trying to determine how best to cope with my ADD. I really am tired of the focus being on my and my ADD and it's associated quirks. At some point, I'd really like to be able to figure out how to deal with this and perhaps find a way for both of us to carve out something that works. Wouldn't that be a nice change? I could stop feeling like I'm crazy...and she could start feeling as if I'm listening, paying attention, and respecting her. What a concept....

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on June 2, 2009 5:20 AM.

If Randall Terry is a Christian, then I'm the Queen of England was the previous entry in this blog.

Isn't it interesting that the same people who are "pro-life" also vehemently support the death penalty? is the next entry in this blog.

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