When you understand that what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble it up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be.
- Chuck Palahniuk. Invisible Monsters
One of the great things about blogging for the past almost eight years (yes, it really has been that long...a long time to be obscure, but it's still fun) is the way I've been able to use my drab little corner of da Interweb as a mirror. Over the past eight years, my life has changed in some unimaginable and in some cases exceedingly painful ways. It's also changed, and continues to change, in some astonishing and incredible ways. I never cease to marvel at where my life has led me...in some cases because I've (&^%$# up in truly epic fashion, but also because it's led to places and things I never would have imagined. To greater or lesser degrees, all y'all have been a part of this, and despite my best efforts to the contrary at times, I've learned some things from y'all along the way.
I realize that my writing and my opinions often have something of an edge, and that I often flirt with (and too often give into) the intolerance that I profess to detest. Over the past eight years, I've often struggled to keep my passions focused...although I'd be lying if I laid claim to complete and unfettered success. I do have some very strong opinions, and I'm feeling strongly about something it's immediately and completely evident. Left to my own devices, I often stray from my intended goal of sparking discussion into the very intolerance and close-mindedness I detest. I hate the idea of talking "at" those I disagree with, and yet there are times when I find myself heading down that path.
I've been fortunate over the past few months to have someone in my life who appreciates my passion but isn't afraid to call "bullshit" on me when I begin to veer towards intolerance and reaction. Because of the way my brain is wired, my passion often leads me off the rails, and I end up engaging in the very lack of consideration and reason I detest in others. Talk about a loose cannon....
As I've learned to adjust to and cope with the realities of living with A.D.D., Terry has to adapt to the challenges of being with someone who brain often spins furiously without any discernible direction. Watching her, I can tell that it's not easy to deal with me at times. Hell, it's not easy for me, and I'm the one living in my head. I can't even imagine what it must be like for her having to adapt to the madness. Terry can be a very logical and linear thinker, while my thought process could be best described as something akin to a pinball. Her patience with me has truly been the stuff of legend, and I don't know that I possess the vocabulary to fully and adequately express my gratitude for what she's given me. Without her, I literally would not be where I am today. Yes, the work and the responsibilities are mine and mine alone, but there is something wonderful about having someone willing to stand by me as I try to (finally) come to grips with the often frustrating and maddening realities my A.D.D. present. After a lifetime of not knowing or understanding why I am the way I am, I finally understand that I'm not a misfit for a screw-up. I've just constructed a "reality" that (at least in theory) has helped me to deal with a world I've been unable to adapt to or cope with. Now I'm trying to find my way back to reality and figure out who I really am...not the easiest thing to imagine when you've spent your life trying to fit in.
One of the things I love about Terry is that she thinks very differently than I do, and she's not afraid to question me and call me on what she perceives as inconsistency. Because of the way my brain works, my arguments can be, and often are, riddled with inconsistencies. I may have a strong opinion, but it can be difficult for me to construct and verbally defend that opinion. Terry has a way of getting me to think instead of react, and that's helped me to realize that what I've been doing here has become far too personalized. I've always detested name-calling...and yet that's exactly what I find myself engaging in far too often. I rarely realize (or admit) when it's happening, because my passion (and anger) often lead to my jumping the rails. Imagine driving a vehicle that goes from 0-60 in 4.7 seconds...yet has no steering wheel. That's the reality of living inside my head. It has it's moments, but it can be maddening...and not just for me.
I realize that this may sound like one of my semi-annual existential crises, but it's really not. Call it a need to make a resolution: that I will focus on maintaining my edge while trying to avoid veering off into personal attacks and name-calling. As always, ideas and suggestions are appreciated. After all, knowing that y'all actually pay attention is a very special and awe-inspiring thing. Hopefully, I'll be able to maintain your interest and spark some discussion going forward.
My biggest challenge for now is become and remain mindful of how what I say, do, and write impact those around me. There are times when I can be somewhat...um, unfocused, and when that happens I can and often do say and do things that can be insensitive and/or insulting. It's not my intent, but there are occasions when I engage my mouth (or my keyboard) before my brain if fully in gear. I need to begin focusing on paying closer attention to being respectful of others...especially those I may disagree or have profound philosophical differences with.
Yes; it's true. I can be (and quite often am) as intolerant and inflexible as those I deride so publicly. I think it's time for me to work on treating others as I would hope to be treated myself. And if I can do it.... ;-)
