THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD
(apologies to Keith Olbermann)
CA Rep. Mike "Sticky Carpets" Duvall (R-Jesusland)
A California assemblyman is in some hot water after having a hot conversation picked up by a hot mic before a recent hearing. But he's not talking about sex with just anybody -- this is hot, steamy sex with LOBBYISTS!.... "So, I am getting into spanking her," says the Orange County Republican. "I like spanking her. She goes, 'I know you like spanking me.' I said, 'Yeah! Because you're such a bad girl!'"
In a different time, Mike Duvall's zipper problem would have been front-page news. A "famlee valyoos" Republican admitting to engaging in and enjoying adultery with [insert name of woman who's not his wife here]? Loose the hounds, eh? Then along came Joe Wilson...and it's as if Mike Duvall got a free pass. Man, if only he'd been able to ride out the storm for another 24 hours, Duvall might have been able to escape relatively unscathed. Eventually, he might have even been able to return to his lobbyist-shagging ways.
Man, his wife and kids must be SO proud....
Being an adulterer is bad enough. Being a hypocrite only compounds things...and it's what's makes this story so compelling. What really puts Duvall on the fast track to the Stoopid Hall of Fame Shame, though, is the arrogance and the casualness with which he shared the details of his conquest. I suppose that, when you come to see schtupping hookers lobbyists as your due because of your position, it's really just a matter of time before you crash and burn. Pride goeth before a fall...or so I've been told.
Personally, I could care less if Duvall buggers goats...or lobbyists...in his spare time. This is still a free country, and we're all adults here...right? If you're going to sell yourself as a member of the "famlee valyoos" crowd- while you're boinking women who just happen to be Not Your Wife...well, you have to know what's coming your way, right? That is, of course, unless you're just stupid and arrogant enough to believe that you're getting your due because of your lofty position. Hey, a man has needs....
So, here it comes, y'all. Repeat after me:
I am deeply saddened that my inappropriate comments have become a major distraction for my colleagues in the Assembly, who are working hard on the very serious problems facing our state. I have come to the conclusion that it would not be fair to my family, my constituents or to my friends on both sides of the aisle to remain in office. Therefore, I have decided to resign my office, effective immediately, so that the Assembly can get back to work.
Oh, and it gets better. Yes, it most certainly does. Instead of manning up and admitting to what any sentient being with half a brain already knows, Duvall is now heavily invested in trying to salvage...well, I'm not sure what.
Duvall said Thursday his "decision to resign is in no way an admission that I had an affair or affairs."
"My offense was engaging in inappropriate storytelling and I regret my language and choice of words. The resulting media coverage was proving to be an unneeded distraction to my colleagues, and I resigned in the hope that my decision would allow them to return to the business of the state," he said in a statement posted on his Web site.
"Inappropriate storytelling"? Now that's rich....
Jeebus, y'all...since when is hypocrisy a "famlee valyoo"? Memo to Mike Duvall: shame would be a good emotion to be channeling right about now. Just a suggestion....
