I've made a point over the past few months of being less personal in my writing, mostly because I didn't want to run the risk of being pathetic. I've also begun to realize that, after being diagnosed with ADD a few months ago, I'm still trying to get a grip on things. Because of this, I've been feeling rather emotionally out of whack. It's taken quite a toll, primarily on myself, but also on those few people I've allowed into my life. The emotional instability and behaviors associated with ADD have cost me two marriages, innumerable friendships, and I can't even tell you how many relationships, including recently with a woman I was (and still am) truly and deeply in love with. It's not easy having to come to grips with the reality that I manage to chase people out of my life, but there you have it. Sometimes there's nothing left to do but face up to reality.
I'm writing about this now because I feel as if I have to do something constructive, and writing is the only thing that comes to mind at the moment. Drinking heavily and drug abuse no longer hold any appeal- been there, done that- and it's not as if I have people in my like I can talk to. So, writing is and remains my therapy.
A few days ago, I went through a checklist of ADD symptoms, and what I discovered was truly disturbing. I was able to answer "yes" to 24 of the 28 symptoms listed. Some were more emphatic and evident than others, but I stepped back and looked at myself, and my first thought was "Dude, you are seriously (&^%$# up...." When you're faced with that sort of reality, where do you start? How do you take something like that and make it less overwhelming and manageable?
I've written quite a bit in the past about my lifelong battle with depression, and now I'm beginning to understand where that comes from. I've spent my whole life feeling as if something is wrong with me, like I'm a square peg in a world of round holes. Yes, I understand that all of us experience some of that from time to time; that's part and parcel of the human condition. This is something I live with every waking moment of every day, though, and until recently I've never known why. I've never felt as if I fit in, regardless of the situation.
Initially, I'd thought that being diagnosed with ADD would be a blessing. FINALLY I could hang my hat on something that explains why I am the way I am. One of the best thing that's happened to me over the past few months is being diagnosed with ADD. Unfortunately, that's also been the worst thing. There's no cure for ADD, so I'm stuck with something I can't rid myself of. Because of this, I've allowed myself to be consumed with irrational fears and anxiety. It's left me exhausted, and because of that I've chased away someone I care about more than I have the words to express.
I went to an ADD support group last week thinking that it might be of some use. I came away feeling even worse. All I've ever wanted is to be "normal", and I left the meeting with the knowledge that I never, ever will be. Dealing with this has turned me into a hard, angry, and bitter person in many respects, and it comes out in ways I can neither anticipate or seemingly control.
A few months ago, I met someone who absolutely rocked my world, but it seemed I could never get past my insecurity and all the ADD-related crap to just be there with her. Last weekend, she decided that she'd endured all she could...and while I was angry and hurt, I'd be less than honest if I didn't have to own up to the fact that I can't blame her. It seems I've become a self-fulfilling prophecy. All I wanted was to be able to enjoy being with a truly amazing person, and I couldn't break my life-long habits and simply be with her. After months of understanding and patience, she finally couldn't deal with it anymore. This is what I do...I chase people away, usually without even recognizing what's happening until it's too late. The end result is that I'm left with a broken heart and the knowledge that it's largely my own damn fault. This is not the first time I've had to deal with this sort of thing- it's already cost me two marriages, after all- but I'd really like for it to be the last...if only I knew how.
How did I become such a angry, bitter, and pessimistic person? When did my ADD become so all-consuming that it colored every aspect of my life, destroying relationships and anything else good and positive? The reality is that I don't know when, and I don't know how or even why. What I do know is that I'm finally beginning to recognize the toll it's taken on me and my life...and also that I absolutely have it within my power to take control and make some changes. It's long past time that I begin to do so.
What I'm absolutely certain about is that I need to make those changes if I want to have any hope of having any shot at a happy and fulfilling life. I need to figure out how to get through to myself. I need to figure out how to get over myself and my irrational fears. I need to figure out how to cherish my relationships instead of chasing people that I love and care about away. I'm writing this not to broadcast my woes, but to cement the commitment I need to make to myself. I may not be able to save my relationship; much of that is out of my hands at this point in time, but I can do is save myself. If I can't do that, is anything else even going to matter?
I DESERVE BETTER.
