October 26, 2009 5:54 AM

Another trip down the rabbit hole? Nah, not this time....

Here's to the strong, thanks to the brave
Don't give up hope-some people change
Against all odds, against the grain
Love finds a way-some people change

- Kenny Chesney, Some People Change

Anyone who's being hanging 'round these parts for the past few months knows at least a little bit of my struggle with being diagnosed with ADD. During that time, I've spent a good deal of time and energy peeling back the onion, learning and discovering things about myself and my diagnosis that have shown me how far I've come and revealed how far I have to go. Most of the things I struggle with are things that we all struggle with. Unfortunately, in my case they're often amplified and exaggerated, which can make for some interesting interactions with "normal" people. Since ADD isn't visible, and since I don't wear a badge to advertise my...uh...dilemma, sometimes I don't leave people with the most favorable impression. Thank God for second chances, eh?

One of the most interesting aspects of the past few months is that I've literally had to figure out who I am. That idea might seem somewhat silly to most people (and it certainly did to me at first), but people with ADD often expend most of their energy adapting and trying to fit in. Because of that, there's little energy or inclination left to engage in any meaningful amount of self-observation. I've come to realize that I've spent my life trying to fit my square peg into the world's round hole. As you might imagine, that's a lot of energy spent on efforts that have by and large been unsuccessful. Because of the effort and energy spent trying to "fit in", people with ADD tend to be notoriously poor self-observers...and so it's been with me. As I've begun to let down my defenses and be honest with myself, I'm learning that the self-image I've constructed has been little more than my own personal Potemkin Village- something that might look good on the outside, but on the inside possesses no depth or truth. F'rinstance, I've always seen myself as a fairly quiet, reserved, risk-averse, and private person. While there are certainly elements of that contained within my personality, in reality I'm a very passionate, outspoken person possessed of a very highly-developed sense of right and wrong. I may not be the life of the party, but I'm not afraid to put myself out there when I feel strongly about something...which I apparently do with surprising frequency. I'm not afraid to share my feelings and my failings when I think it might serve a positive purpose...or simply when I'm pissed off. There's also been a fair bit of "READY!! FIRE!! AIM!!" in my personal history, and I'm finally beginning to understand that this is who I am.

There's both good and bad in being the way I am. This reality is the same for all of us; I just have to understand that sometimes my extremes are a bit more...well, extreme. There is something to be said for finally having the wherewithal to be honest with myself. It may not always be pretty, but it's real, and while I'm not going to be able to change the core of who I am, a greater degree of self-awareness might just help me round off some of the sharp edges. Then again, I kinda like some of those edges....

I am, of course, not the first person ever to be diagnosed with ADD as an adult. In my case, I realize that the diagnosis goes a long way toward explaining my entire life. I've somehow managed to adapt, if only because I'm so damn stubborn and I've long since learned how to put my head down and drive on. That, as you might imagine, is not always a good thing, and it's exhausting, but as a survival and defense mechanism it's quite serviceable. Hey, it's gotten me this far....

I continue to write about this not because I'm looking for pity, because I'm really not. I'm just a man trying to figure things out and play with the cards I've been dealt. There are still things I'm trying to come to grips with as I try to learn more about myself and who I really am. Writing about it is therapeutic; the words help me realize that I'm not a freak, merely a man wrestling with his own particular personal challenges. I'm not the first adult to be diagnosed with ADD after years of struggling, nor will I be the last. If my openness about my struggles can help even one person somewhere, then I'll consider it a good thing. In the meantime, the journey continues. I believe that people can change...I believe that I can change. I believe that making positive changes will become both easier and more frequent as I get to know myself better and become more comfortable with the person I really, truly am. Like all of us, I'm a work in progress, and I'm beginning to value and cherish the work...if for no other reasons than the results can be truly amazing.

Stay tuned. It seems I'm just getting started....

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on October 26, 2009 5:54 AM.

Thank a Republican.... was the previous entry in this blog.

So, tell me again that Republican opposition isn't rooted in racism.... is the next entry in this blog.

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