May you live in interesting times.
- ancient Chinese epithet
How much did they pay you to give up your dreams?
- George Clooney, Up In The Air
I lost my job yesterday. I should be upset. I should be scared. I should be collecting coupons, cancelling my cable and the newspaper, and buying lottery tickets by the dozen. Perhaps all of those things will come to pass, but right now I just feel as if I've been handed a "get out of jail free" card...and it feels pretty damn good.
The short version is that things at work had been deteriorating for awhile, and my job had become a pretty one-sided relationship. After one final indignity, I decided that it was time for me to take care of Jack and take a risk with my future. When I went in to work yesterday, I sent an email to my supervisors telling them that I would be leaving effective 4.2.09. In so doing, I knew the risk I was running, and I half-expected to be escorted out of the building. What I didn't expect was for it to happen on the very same day. I was willing to give things a couple months before riding off into the sunset; it seemed the decent thing to do under the circumstances. My boss decided he wanted to quit me much sooner. Pretty classy, eh? When I got called into his office just prior to the end of my work day, I knew immediately what was about to happen. Less than 10 minutes later, I was walking out with a box of my personal effects and my eight-year career with the company had come to a rather unceremonious end. Thanks for everything; don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, 'kay??
I REALLY loved the part where two managers had to walk me out of the building...like I was going to steal a light fixture or vital company secrets on my way out. After eight years, you'd think they'd know me well enough to know I'm no threat...and that I know my way to the parking lot. So what did I do once I was out the door and staring freedom in the face? I went home and took a nap. Hey, it was a bit early for happy hour, and I was tired. Man, do I know how to celebrate, or what??
This actually comes at a good time for me financially. I've got six weeks of vacation time coming my way, I just got a sizable tax refund, and I may well be eligible for unemployment insurance. I'm not in a position where I can hop on a plane to Maui, but things could be a whole lot worse...because they have been. Ten years ago, I moved to Houston with $350 to my name and all of my personal belongings stuffed into a Geo Metro. I found a job within a week. I'm not counting on the same thing happening here- not during a recession in a state with 12% unemployment, but I'm fortunate to have a fair bit more than $350 to my name. Yes, things could be a whole lot worse.
I'm (sort of) saddened by being unemployed in the worst economy in my lifetime. The good news is that I no longer work for a classless careerist who couldn't define leadership if you spotted him the first letter and the vowels. I'm going to be careful to control my anger, because I want to be about looking forward, not playing the victim. I am where I am for a lot of reasons (some of them my own doing), and I'm going to do what I can to make the best of it all. It's time to be positive, constructive, and good to myself.
Over the next few days, I'm expecting to be feeling a lot of conflicting emotions, so I'm going to make a point of not expecting much. I'm going to take it easy, be good to myself, drink some wine, work out a lot...and find a good book or two. After a few days of that, perhaps by the middle or end of next week, I imagine I'll begin to feel comfortable thinking in terms of what happens next. I've been wanting to do something with my writing; perhaps now I can devote some considerable time and energy to doing just that.
It's a bit odd after eight years to find myself adrift...but it's also rather exciting. I can consider the possibilities and do some exploring. Part of me feels like I should feel angry, bitter, and betrayed...but I know that I have control over how I react, what I feel, and how strongly I feel it. I can feel sorry for myself, or I can see this as an opportunity to be free of a situation I'd come to despise and to have the freedom to pursue something that actually carries some meaning for me. (Perhaps I'll open a Quizno's sandwich shop...or not.) I don't have any idea what that means right now, but then I don't feel any pressure to come up with an immediate answer. Perhaps this is just the Universe's way of telling me to get off my ass and get on with it, already....
I'm not so proud that I can't ask for ideas or suggestions...so, if any of y'all have some of either, I'm all ears. Right now, I'm all about collecting ideas and being open to possibilities, whatever they may be or from wherever they may emerge. I do believe that the time has come for me to lose my amateur status as a writer. I'm just not certain how to do that at this time. I do hope to get answers to some of my questions, though. It's not like I'm going to be short on time.
Of course, I realize that I'm not experiencing anything unique. Unemployment has impacted millions of Americans, many in far worse situations than my own. I'm not going to pretend that I'm being persecuted. As far as I'm concerned, it's about maintaining perspective. I'm not expecting sympathy, though the kindness I've experienced from many of y'all certainly doesn't hurt. It's not about hanging my head, feeling sorry for myself, and playing the victim. It's about accepting events for what they are and finding a way to make lemonade out of lemons.
I believe that things happen for a reason...but I'm not about to pretend that I have ANY idea what that reason is just now. Stay tuned....
Hey, I just got my "get out of jail free" card. How bad can it really be??
