The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.
- Eckhardt Tolle
One of the things I've done damn little of over the past couple of years is taking time off work. Don't ask me why; it's not as if I'm indispensable or in love with my job. For whatever reason, though, I have more than seven weeks of vacation time stored up. Go figure. It finally dawned on me that I desperately need some time away from work, so I'm taking the first ten days of 2010 off. I don't even really have anything planned, but I need some time to take stock. I find myself at a crossroad: in my career and perhaps also in my personal life. Things that I thought were true clearly are not. The question now becomes: do I continue trying to make things better where I am, or do I finally admit to myself that it's time to knock the walls down and begin rebuilding from the ground up?
In a better economy, I'd probably willingly walk away from my job, take the vacation time, and use the two months to find a job that would allow me to do something that actually feels meaningful. That's still an option, of course, but perhaps I'm becoming a bit more prudent as I get older. I'm single, and there's no sugar mama to support me while I'm tilting at windmills. Ergo, I need to be smart enough not to cut off my nose to spite my face. I need to be able to feed myself...because who knows how long it might take (in a state with 12% unemployment) to find another job?
I'll admit to feeling pretty burned out where I am now. I suppose that will happen when management continues to stuff eight pounds into a five-pound sack, and where the expectation is that I show up and shut up. It's become increasingly difficult to find any degree of satisfaction in an environment where employees are being burned out and no one seems to care enough to do anything about it. The new reality has become increasingly clear: the environment is not about to change. Therefore, I need to become the change I wish to see. It really is that simple.
I have the first ten days of this year off, and I'm planning to use that time to evaluate my life. There are a lot more questions than there are answers, but what I do know is that things need to change. If I'm going to do this right- and I plan on it- no aspect of my life is going to be safe from some serious examination. My career, my relationship...everything big and small needs to be looked at with a critical eye.
Changes will be made. What these changes will be remain to be seen. Some may be painful, some pleasant, but all will be long overdue. If I don't start re-evaluating my life and changing what I know needs to be changed, then I'll ultimately have only myself to blame. Lord knows I've spent far too much time as a passive observer. It's time to act instead of reacting.
Outside of my career, or what passes for it, there's the other burning question in my life: how do you recognize when your personal life is also in need of some serious remodeling? When is enough just that? When is it time to admit that what you thought you had may not in fact be that at all?
No, I'm not about to go into detail, but I do find myself at a crossroad. Perhaps it has something to do with the creeping realization that I'll turn 50 in a little over three months. I'd always imagined that I'd have things figured out by this point in my life. What I've discovered instead is that there are far more questions than there are answers. Things I figured that I'd have nailed down have turned about to be the emotional equivalent of nailing jello to a wall.
There's some freedom and some excitement in that uncertainty, of course...but I haven't been very good at embracing that uncertainty. This has become one of my personal missions for 2010...to be open to possibilities and to embrace uncertainty. I used to do that pretty easily when I was younger. As I gotten older, I've turned into to the sort of person who wants and values stability. There's nothing wrong with stability, of course. Stability is good if you have a family to support. I don't even have a dog to worry about currently, and my car is paid off...so what, exactly, is it that I'm so worried about?
I live a fairly simple life- one bedroom apartment, paid off car, no children or pets to feed. If the need arises, I could probably simplify things even further. The time may come for me to do that. Right now, though, I just need to get a grip on when I'm heading, what I want, and who I want to come along for the right. I may not necessarily have the answers to those questions just yet, but there is one thing I'm certain of:
I DESERVE BETTER. Better than what I've allowed myself, and better than the many ways I've held myself back.
Stay tuned....
