It was a Monday…pretty much like any other Monday, I suppose…except for being infinitely suckier than usual. It’s not as if I really have anything to complain about. It’s not like I have to wake up to an alarm, spend eight (or more) hours at a job I hate as I feel the life force slowly being sucked from my corporeal being. No, things could be a whole lot worse, I suppose, if only because for some folks they are.
Yesterday was NOT a great day to be a Conservative Democrat…like there should every be a good day to be a Democrat In Name Only. Man, Blanche Lincoln looked liked someone kicked her dog and stole her lunch money. Frankly, I wouldn’t have been too terribly upset if that had been exactly what happened. Yo, Blanche…time to face the piper, doll! You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. Really. You can’t. Trust me on this.
Come to think of it, yesterday really wasn’t a great day to be a Republican, either. On a day when Jim Bunning gleefully said “F—K YOU!!” to millions of unemployed Americans, GOP leaders are still busy trying to figure out how they can blame this clusterf—k on Democrats. Stay tuned….
And while I’m at it, perhaps I’m going to have to rethink my “move to California and become a porn star” dream. Why? Well, would you want to live in a state whose debt rating is lower than…oh, I don’t know…Kazakhstan?? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Even sillier was the news of Robert Ekas, a local man whose idea of protected free speech involves flipping the bird to police officers. Yes, I suppose it is free speech, and it’s constitutionally protected in the same way that gross immaturity is. Memo to Ekas: I’m going to exercise my free speech rights by advising you that it just might be time to grow up. You’re an adult; start acting like one.
Yesterday was also the day when the world woke up with a massive hangover from the end of the Winter Olympics. While Vancouver, BC, tries to get back to something resembling normal, the fun is only just beginning halfway around the world. One Russian newspaper is accusing Canadian athletes of doping…and one Canadian newspaper is taking the accusations seriously. Given the low Canadian medal count (“Own the Podium”, indeed), I’m guessing that the only “performance enhancing” substances Canadian athletes were guilty of consuming was Labatt’s Blue Label. Memo to our neighbors to the north: next time, try drinking real beer. I know…but you’ll thank me later.
In another disturbing piece of news, it was revealed yesterday that the biggest threat to Homeland (In)Security is Barack Obama and the 69,456,897 of us who voted for him in November, 2008. Man, I had NO idea. I’ll bet that REAL Americans are going to have a helluva time finding enough space in concentration and political re-edumication camps for all us unreconstructed Libruls. ‘Course, at least we can rest easy in the knowledge that we’ll at least be getting three squares a day, no?
If you’re an aspiring beauty queen, yesterday REALLY sucked donkey balls, what with TLC announcing it will no longer air the Miss America pageant. Whatever will millions of horny males have to do in order to get their annual fix of vapid pulchritude?? Oh, the humanity…but at least there’s always Old Faithful: Internet porn.
Just when you might be forgiven for thinking that your miserable, pointless existence really DOES suck…HA!! In Soviet Russia, failure is apparently NOT an option. Well, OK, so the Communists went the way of the buffalo in 1991, but the more things change…. Russian President Dmitriy Medvedev is WAY upset with the low Russian medal haul from the Vancouver Winter Olympics, and he’s demanding that Russian sports officials resign and be exiled to the Gulag Archipelago. In Russia, second place only means that you’re the first LOSER. It’s at times like this that I thank [insert name of preferred Benevolent Male Deity here] I was born American, where I can be as mediocre as I wanna be.
Really, the only good news to escape from yesterday unscathed was the revelation that Glenn Beck really is a self-absorbed, flaming loon. Reports reveal that Beck has a serious blood pressure issue that causes him to hallucinate in…well, just about the most hilarious manner imaginable. His doctors fear that he’s running the risk of working himself into such a self-righteous fury that he may just spontaneously explode (we can only hope). The news that Conservatism is declining among the Millenial generation certainly isn’t going to help his disposition, eh? CLEAN UP!! AISLE FIVE!!
Yeah, yesterday sucked. Thankfully, there’s good news- for those of you still drawing sustenance from the teat of corporate America, we’re one day closer to Friday!
Party on, Garth!!
