Starbucks? This is your bold, patriotic idea of a dangerous venue in which to flaunt your precious Second Amendment pacifiers? Because laptop-wielding hipsters are soooo freaking terrifying? Because the baristers are armed with… scalding hot milk foam?
In what has to be the stupidest, most pointless protest in recorded history, men in states that allow handguns to be openly carried are now openly parading around their local Starbucks while packing heat. The point being made? That they have tiny penises? That their sense of their own masculinity is conflicted? That an overpriced latte and a cardboard scone just doesn’t taste the same without their trusty .38 snub-nose penis substitute strapped to their belt?
Starbucks management has already made it clear that they intend to respect whatever the local firearms laws happen to be, so the issue here would seem to be…well, I’m not quite sure what, actually. Perhaps it’s just a safe way for the tiny-penis crowd to safely assert their fragile masculinity while they delude themselves into thinking that they’re making some sort of cogent political statement. Why these maroons have chosen to assert their Second Amendment rights at Starbucks instead of Burger King, WalMart, or Bass Pro Shops is beyond me, but whatever gets you through the night, eh? Fuckwits, all of them….
If you’re so insecure in your manhood that you can’t order your drug of choice without a sidearm…well, you’ve got issues, Cowboy….
[A]nxious masculinity is a real problem that many men struggle with, and we should sympathize with them. Perhaps you don’t know many men suffering from anxious masculinity. Perhaps the men in your life are secure in themselves and their manhood, and so are capable of doing things like reading books, listening to women, watching movies with dialogue, and perhaps even reminiscing about their wedding in ways that imply they remember it. Maybe most of the men she knows feel like their balls aren’t going to shrivel up and fall off the second they look in a mirror to see if they look good, admit they know the difference between bar soap and shampoo, or drive a car that gets over 20 mpg. The men she knows don’t know what it’s like to be one of these pathetic wingnuts, plagued night and day by the secret suspicion that you’re not a real man. It’s hard to say what causes it—-statistically, it seems unlikely they all have tiny penises, though perhaps they think they do because they watch too much porn—-but there it is. A whole bunch of men living in a whole bunch of fear that they’re not real men.
I’ve been to Starbucks from Portland to Albuquerque to Manhattan to Miami to Beckley, WV, to Galveston, TX…and I’m here to tell you that if there’s a place where your personal safety is at less risk, I’ve yet to find it. If the cute barista with pink hair and a pierced tongue is someone you can honestly see as a threat…well, should you really be packing heat in the first place??
Starbucks wants no part of this “debate”. They’ve made that crystal clear, and yet gun advocates have decided to make an example of Starbucks. Why? Who knows…or cares? From where I sit, it’s a case of too many pinheads with far too much time on their hands exercising their right to engage in self-parody. If you’re going to fight a battle, at least pick one your “adversary” is willing to fight, eh? Otherwise, you just look silly…and there’s no lack of silly to go around here, is there?
