You know, there was a time not so very long ago when I might have had reason to fear for my safety in one of the local Starbucks locations that I frequent. Thankfully, though, senior management came to its senses and decided to allow customers to bear arms in their stores. Isn’t it wonderful that we can now enjoy our overpriced drug of choice safe in the knowledge that we’re protected? I’ll have a venti triple vanilla carmel macchiato…and a box of .38 hollow points, please.
The first person to disturb me while I’m reading my New York Times is going to take one for the team. Capice? You’ve been warned….
Lately I’ve found myself worrying about things I probably shouldn’t be, but that I can’t seem to shake. Earthquakes, terrorism, random gunmen in my local Starbucks…it just never seems to end. The latest obsession seems to be the five people who will beat me up when I get to Heaven. Then it dawned on me…I’m not a Christian, ergo, I don’t believe in Heaven. Problem solved, eh? Well, not really. I could boil to death in a sauna…and yes, you read that correctly. A major American newspaper is advocating for torture; it’s the American Way, no? Children are now handling air traffic control at JFK Airport, and Jay Leno’s back on The Tonight Show. I’m afraid that comedy may finally be dead. I’m at a loss; I got nothin’….
‘Course, while comedy might just have taken its last death rattle, irony is still clearly alive and well. How else could you explain a good White girl leaving a noose in a library? Mark Foley opening a thrift shop (no joke)? Kate Gosselin on Dancing With The Stars? The very real possibility that California might just single-handedly taken down the entire global economy? Or perhaps one wingnut Congressman seriously proposing putting Ronald Reagan on the $50 bill? The good news is that large quantities of ice have been found on the moon, so once we’re all forced to evacuate to the Sea of Tranquility, it will be MARGARITAS FOR EVERYONE!! Hey, it’s gonna be a while before Hell freezes over, because you know that it’s going to be a LONG time before Roger Ailes admits that Fox News Channel has an ideological agenda. Wait…what??
With nothing else in my world making sense, I could just try to make the world a better place…but where to start? Hmm…how about recycling? Governor Moonbeam AND Linda Ronstadt? Oh, be still, my foolish, foolish heart…. Then again, if you really ARE heavily into recycling, why not try recycling your own poo? Seriously. You can’t get much greener (or browner) than that, eh?? And you think I just make this stuff up….
If all the above wasn’t silly enough, now comes a report that a religious group wants to stone the whale that killed its trainer at SeaWorld. Seriously. Presumably, this would take place only if the whale resists the group’s efforts to convert it to Christianity. No, you really don’t want to get me started on this one….
But wait…it gets even worse. Yes, I’m sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news, but Spiderman’s been fired. Yes, Peter Parker lost his gig at the Daily Planet, joining myself and millions of other Americans in suffering the privations, the creeping loss of self-esteem, and the will to live that is part and parcel of joblessness. All is not lost, though; Spiderman’s now eligible to compete in the Poverty Olympics.
All this pondering has left me famished. Maybe I’ll just order a new and improved Domino’s Pizza. It seems the crust is no longer made of cardboard, and the sauce is no longer redolent of ketchup. Hopefully, the cheese has lost that sawdust aftertaste and the sausage the dead fish smell that Domino’s was so famous for.
Finally, just to prove that there are no hard feelings, let me just leave you with three words: Giant. Inflatable. Beaver.. You’ll thank me later. ;-)
