We all know that calories are a quantification of just how tasty food is, so it stands to reason that the most awesome chain restaurant ever, Claim Jumper, would have some of the highest-cal dishes fathomable. Snippets paints the picture with numbers, revealing that the beef back ribs pack 4,301 calories, the black tie chicken pasta weighs in at 3,773 calories and the diet-food porterhouse steak is a svelte 2,363 calories. And those figures don’t even include side dishes, including Claim Jumper’s erotic buttermilk biscuits, which are roughly the size of houseboats, and just as tasty. As houseboats are to Jaws, that is.
If you’ve ever thought about committing suicide, but you lack the courage (or the bullets) to do the deed, I just might have a solution for you. Not that I would ever wax humorous about suicide, of course. Truth be told, there’s nothing funny about taking one’s own like. That’s why I’m going to be referring to suicide in purely hypothetical terms. Hypothetically speaking, if your idea of shedding your mortal coil is via a massive coronary infarction from clogged arteries…well, Claim Jumper just might have your number.
I’ve never been to a Claim Jumper, though there’s a location about three miles way from where I live. It’s a place I’ve always wondered about, even more so now that I know the numbers. Man, when a DIET steak is 2363 calories, what massive numbers are attached to their desserts? And should you be having a salad with that? If you’re going to stuff yourself with several thousand calories at a sitting, should you really be worrying about making sure you get your vegetables?
And you wonder why America’s waistline is expanding?
Oh, man…I’m getting indigestion just thinking about this…and no, I don’t want fries with that….
