To remake Americans in his own smokin’ little hottie-body image, Barack Obama wants his storm troopers at the Food and Drug Administration to reduce the salt content in many beloved Real American foodstuffs. Not just the breaded jalapeno poppers and mozzarella sticks that the Founding Fathers invented in honor of Lady Liberty and her son, Liberty Jesus, but also America’s most nutritious and culturally significant food ever, the country ham.
OK, so they came for our guns, and I stood idly by…because I have no guns. Then they came for our fishing rods, and I ignored it…because I don’t fish. Now they’re coming for our country ham, and…OH, SWEET JESUS!! TO THE BARRICADES, Y’ALL!! THIS OUTRAGE SHALL. NOT. STAND!! NOT IN THIS MAN’S AMERICA!!! We may have come unarmed the first time, but now that Obama’s jack-booted health nazis are after our ham…IT’S ON!!!
You can have our country ham when you pry it from our cold, dead fingers, damn it….
One of the things we hold most sacred in this country (particularly in the South) is our inalienable right to clog our arteries, jack up our cholesterol level, and ratchet our blood pressure up to life-threatening levels. It’s as American as baseball, apple pie, and carrying signs accusing President Obama of being a Kenyan-born, America-hating, Socialist…and a terrorist sympathizer. What true, red-blooded American patriot couldn’t get behind that??
Mama was fat, Daddy was fat, my brothers and sisters are fat…but you know what? Here in the South, we LIKE ‘em big and stupid, knowhutimean?? If it was good enough for Daddy and Grandpappy, it’s good enough for me. If I’m gonna die anyway, it might as well be with a smile on my face and a belly full of Rolling Rock and country ham…after a Sunday afternoon of watching NASCAR.
What’s next? Is
Osama Obama going to come for our Truck Nutz?? STAND UP, AMERICA!!!