It’s just another day in paradise
As you stumble to your bed
You’d give anything to silence
Those voices ringing in your head
You thought you could find happiness
Just over that green hill
You thought you would be satisfied
But you never will-
Learn to be still- The Eagles, Learn To Be Still
Epiphanies are funny things. They’re not the kind of thing one normally plans for, and from my experience they crop up in the damnedest places and for usually the most inexplicable of reasons. A couple of days ago, I went out for a nine-mile walk around Glendoveer Park in Northeast Portland. As I usually do, I was listening to music on my iPhone. On this particularly day I was listening to the Eagles, mostly because I felt like I needed to hear something thoughtful and mellow. As I was plodding along on a confortable, sunny morning, I found myself stopped in my tracks by the lyrics to an Eagles song I haven’t listened to in years. For reasons I can’t begin to explain, I found myself listening to the lyrics…and by the end of the song, I was almost in tears. Something about the words opened up a door for me, and when I looked in, I can’t say that I liked what I saw. “Learn To Be Still”…indeed. Four words that seem so simple…and yet the meaning of those words still eludes me.
As I continued walking, I found myself thinking about the way I’ve lived my life and the things I’ve allowed to control me and how I react to situations. What I realized is that far too much of my life has been consumed and controlled by anger and frustation. I’m quick to anger, and yet far too slow in shedding that anger. Yes, I’m a passionate person, but I’m coming to understand that there’s a very fine line separating anger from passion…a line I’ve too often stepped over with both feet. Were I to be honest with myself, I’d have to admit that my relationship with my anger has adversely impacted far too many aspects of my life- relationships, friendships, jobs- and I’ve allowed it to continue even as I know that it’s harming me. When I follow the bread crumbs back, it seems clear that the trail leads back to my childhood. Though I’m not going to go into details, I left my childhood determined not to look back. A lot of anger and resentment led me to that place, and it’s colored virtually everything I’ve done in my life. I have no relationship with my family, in large part to the anger and resentment I carried with me when I left home to go to college.
At what point do I let go of the anger and the frustration and recognize that the only person it’s harming is me? Anger is a choice, and it would be an understatement to say that I’ve made a lot of damn poor choices. I can see it in the way I react to things, the assumptions I make about people, even in the way I conduct myself. It’s not reflective of the person I want to be, but it’s there nonetheless. I can choose how I react to stimuli, and I continue to make poor choices, choice that hold me back and keep me from things I want and deserve to have in my life.
Anger, like any learned behavior can be changed with serious, conscious effort and a willingness to do things differently. I don’t want to feel like a victim; I want to be someone who deal with life and his emotions rationally and effectively. I want to learn how to be slower to anger and quicker to forgive and understand. That seems like it should be basic, and perhaps to most people it is. It never has been to me, and so now I have to challenge myself to change what I can change and to live my life in a more peaceful and forgiving manner.
Jeebus, you’d think I would have figured this out by now….
