MY NEW HERO
Eugene D. Gagliardi, Jr.
Just three months after the American Academy of Pediatrics put out a call for a redesigned hot dog that would be safer for small children to eat, Eugene D. Gagliardi, Jr. — the food designer who invented Steak-umms and popcorn chicken — has come forward with a solution. His patented hot dog has eight slits that open during cooking, which cause it to break up into smaller pieces, potentially reducing the likelihood that a child could choke on it.
No, the picture above is not an x-ray of a penis horribly fractured during filming of an episode of Jackass. It’s actually the answer to the question, “Can’t ANYONE design a hotdog that young children won’t choke on when they try to eat the entire thing at one time?” Don’t just LOVE American ingenuity?
While I can’t…and don’t really want to…address the culinary merits of Steak-umms and popcorn chicken, Gagliardi’s hot dog is no doubt destined to ensure him a place of honor in the American Culinary Hall of Fame…as soon as someone actually builds it. Then again, this really is a serious issue. Young children actually do choke on unmasticated chunks of hot dog…and of all the ways I might choose to shuffle off my mortal coil, choking on a hot dog wouldn’t even sniff the list.
If there’s any justice in this world, Gagliardi will become fabulously wealthy…and a man honored for helping to save the lives of untold numbers of young children. That’s something I’d honor with mustard, ketchup, AND relish….
