Restaurant chain Denny’s updated its value menu with the Fried Cheese Melt, a sandwich made with “four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread.” Priced at a reasonable $4, it’s served with french fries and a side of marinara sauce. Deep-fried cheese sticks inside a pan-fried grilled cheese sandwich! Is that maybe sort of appetizing? Well it does clock in at 895 calories, so it does have that going for it. But is a breakthrough in the field of sandwich? While not necessarily a “breakthrough” in the field of sandwich like the Candwich or the Lasagna Sandwich, or the KFC Double Down, the Fried Cheese Melt does have one thing going for it: it offers a rift in the temporal fabric, fusing appetizer (the mozzarella sticks) and main course (grilled cheese and fries) into one singular dish.
In my never-ending search for increasingly creative ways in which cowards can commit suicide without actually having to pull a trigger or slice open an artery, I ran across Denny’s Fried Cheese melt. Yes, it’s delicious, monochromatic (not a trace of green to be found), and it’s a cardiologists nightmare. A few weeks of this beauty for lunch (and the occasional dinner), and you’ll be able to almost hear your arteries harden and clog. Even better, it’s tremendously efficient, delivering both appetizer and entree on one plate. Yes, no more waiting through multiple courses as you dig your grave with your teeth. Now everything you need to end your miserable, pointless existence comes on one handy plate (the marinara’s just Denny’s way of showing off).
Once upon a time (actually just a few short years ago), restaurant chains fell all over themselves trying to sell all manner of “healthy” food. Now we’ve come full circle as Americans admit how much they hate salads. If you find yourselves wondering why our collective waistline is expanding faster than Glenn Beck’s ego…well, this ought to help answer that question for you.
I wonder if you can get this with extra cheese??
Mamas, you’re going to want your babies to grow up to be cardiologists (apologies to Willie Nelson)….
