August 6, 2010 7:02 AM

The unbearable lightness of bike sharing (damn Communists....)

Republican gubernatorial candidate Dan Maes is warning voters that Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper’s policies, particularly his efforts to boost bike riding, are “converting Denver into a United Nations community.”…. “This is all very well-disguised, but it will be exposed,” Maes told about 50 supporters who showed up at a campaign rally last week in Centennial.

I may live in Oregon, but the politics bores me to tears. Honestly, it’s about as exciting as eating orange paint chips for the Vitamin C. Normally I can always count on Texas to bring da crazy wholesale, but even Texas bores me this campaign season. Rampant religiosity provides only limited entertainment value, and foaming at the mouth ignorance lost any remaining allure with the advent of Ted Poe. Thankfully, all is not lost this year, and salvation has appeared in what previously might have been considered the most unlikely of places: the Colorado Governor’s race.

Yes, for sheer, unmedicated lunacy, Colorado seems to be the place to be this time around. How could it be otherwise when Tom Tancredo is involved? After “threatening” to jump into the race, Tancredo has made good on his threat, virtually guaranteeing full-time work for those charged with cataloguing his sheer, unvarnished lunacy and detachment from objective reality. F’rinstance, polls show that Tancredo’s being in the race will split the Conservative vote and hand the election the to Democrat John Hickenlooper, the Mayor of Denver. Yes, Democrats may have invented the circular firing squad, but Tom Tancredo appears to be willing to use the same strategy to bolster his bona fides at the risk of torpedoing his party’s chances.

Dan Maes, however, isn’t going down without a fight, and has apparently decided to go all out in competition for Tancredo’s natural constituency — ridiculous xenophobes.

Maes, in his effort to nail down the all-important ridiculous xenophobe vote, has identified the real threat to Colorado voters: bike sharing. Yes, even more than the looming threat posed by posed by roadside taco stands (probably run by illegal Mexican drug mules), bike sharing is representative of the looming Socialist threat. Maes (alone among us) recognizes that bike sharing represents something truly and irretrievably evil. Hmm…the “Obamacare of bicycles” or some such thing??

The daunting challenge for Maes, of course, is whether he can out-crazy Tancredo, the undisputed master of Bringin’ da Crazy. My money is still on Tancredo, whose synapses were fried long before Maes lost what passes for his mind. After all, Tancredo is willing to torpedo his own party’s chances at victory in order to feel relevant and salve his own massive ego. If it takes an orgasmic focusing of his nascent craziness that results in the election of a Democrat…well, sometimes that’s the cost of feeding the beast, eh?

Oh, to be a fly on the wall…or on a bicycle….

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on August 6, 2010 7:02 AM.

Survery SAYS...58% of Americans are morons was the previous entry in this blog.

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