Somebody has to do something, and it’s just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us.
- Jerry Garcia
Anyone who knows me knows all too well that chief among my pet peeves are political commercials. Every two year the concentration of stupid hits new and previously unplumbed depths that ‘bout make my pointy li’l haid explode. I hate political ads of all stripes, but while Democratic ads are almost uniformly vapid and silly, Republican and Right-wing ads generally have a mean streak a mile wide. It’s stupid, it’s insulting, and the only positive impact these ads have is on the bottom lines of the ad agencies hired to put together the hatchet jobs.
You know what I’m talking about:
“Senator X voted with Nancy Pelosi to enslave young boys in sexual servitude for the benefit of the Liberal Washington elites.”
“Evil Incarnate stole money from Girl Scouts to feed his crack, online gambling, and child pornography addictions.”
“Representative Ballsonchin wants to put our precious, impressionable children into indoctrination camps, where they’ll learn to follow Chairman Obama, love Islam, and be used for the sexual gratification of the House Ways and Means Committee.
I could go on, but I imagine you get where I’m heading with this, right?? It’s stupid, it’s a waste of my precious brain cells, and I’m tired of my intelligence being so egregiously insulted every two years. So here are a few simple rules that should help keep y’all from killing yet more of my few remaining precious brain cells:
Don’t tell me that “WASHINGTON IS BROKEN!!!” D’ya really think we aren’t already painfully aware of this reality? Washington has been broken since Betsy Ross accidentally sewed her petticoat to the American flag. Generations of politicians have run on the promise to “FIX WASHINGTON!!”…and not one of y’all has ever been successful. Politician, fix thyself….
IF you’re elected, you will be but one of 535 self-absorbed, self-righteous, career-obsessed Congressman. YOU will NEVER make a difference standing on principled all by your lonesome. You will become a loner and a laughingstock if you do that long enough, though. Eventually, you will succumb to the “get along to go along” mentality that consumes Capitol Hill. You will change NOTHING by yourself.
Your opponent is not the walking, talking personification of Evil. Character assassination only makes you look small and mean-spirited. Knock it off before you convince sheeple that you really are as shallow and mean as your ads make you look.
Nancy Pelosi is not Satan, nor is she the Bride of Caligula. Stop painting her as Evil Incarnate, as if her goal is a Socialist Paradise in which young boys exist to pleasure older, power-mad cougars and their evil, Liberal friends and benefactors. (Et tu, Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein??)
“Liberal” is not an epithet to be spit out as if it was poison. Stop using the “L” word as if it’s an insult. If you don’t, we’ll no doubt be treated before long to ads featuring Vice-President Biden and his “Republican Tea Party” conflation. Fair is fair…right??
Your opponent may well bugger goats, molest young boys, snort crystal meth off the backsides of nubile underage hookers, and embezzle funds from their grandmother’s bingo fund. I. DON’T. CARE. Any accusations you make are automatically suspect, because your sole purpose and only desire is to win. This means that you are undoubtedly willing to twist the truth and engage in all manner of character assassination and personal attacks in pursuit of your goal.
Your opponent does not advocate child pornography, sexual slavery, unrestrained drug use, or exporting jobs to Newfoundland. Nor does your opponent secretly practice Islam, pray to Satan, or work to replace our replace our representative democracy with a benevolent Clownocracy. You may disagree with your opponent on virtually everything under the Sun (why else are you running against him or her?), but fear-mongering, character assassination, and tossing red herrings around like bait accomplishes nothing.
Enough already. If you can’t bring yourself to honestly talk about legitimate issues, go back to managing that Dairy Queen…because you certainly have no business in politics. Then again, no one ever went broke appealing to the lowest common denominator, eh??
Party on, Garth….
