November 15, 2010 6:18 AM

Greetings from Oklahoma: Where sense and reason go to die

THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD

(apologies to Keith Olbermann)

Mick Cornett

The Lingerie Football League has survived longer than anyone thought possible — they’re now in their 2nd season! — and it recently announced expansion plans in four red-blooded American cities, including Oklahoma City. Turns out they probably should have gotten the go-ahead before making that call. Seems Oklahoma City’s mayor has absolute veto power when it comes to letting organizations use the city’s public arenas, so no Cox Convention Center or Oklahoma City Arena. Sure they could use some indoor halls like the Centennial Opry or VFW Post 1857, but those could hardly contain the hard-hitting excitement and toned thighs that lingerie football has to offer.

Man, it has got to suck to be living in Oklahoma these days. It’s bad enough that 70% of Tumbleweed State voters just approved a constitutional amendment banning the consideration of Sharia by Oklahoma courts (this is a real problem??). Now comes word that Oklahomans will be be denied their inalienable right to watch hot women in scanty lingerie playing tackle football. I know, right; what could POSSIBLY be more American?

It appears that Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett has appointed himself the moral guardian of the good, God-fearing Christians of Oklahoma City, who clearly are not to be trusted with a decision of such magnitude. In doing so, he’s determined that the sight of attractive, scantily-clad women running into each other at full speed is a wholly unhealthy and perverted undertaking. To Cornett’s way of thinking, he’s not going to stand idly by while the morals and standards of his community are shredded like so many Carl Paladino pornographic emails.

Of course, I’m not going to pretend that there’s absolutely no prurient interest involved in the Lingerie Football League. Let’s face it; if we were talking about teams staffed with former East German shot putters, no one would buy tickets. Attach the words “hot, scantily-clad women” to just about anything, and men will buy tickets. Hey, we’re pigs; why pretend otherwise? In the case of the LFL, there’s at least the pretense of a football game attached to it…even if only just.

Or we could look at this conundrum in simple economic terms. Like any professional sports franchise, it will create jobs and generate revenue. Exactly how much of each is open to question, of course, but does Oklahoma City really have all the jobs and all the revenue it needs?

Oh, so sorry; we’re full up. We simply have no more people available to work for the franchise, and we wouldn’t know what to do with any more revenue. We can’t handle what we have…but thanks for asking, ‘kay??

Yeah, right….

Hey, you know what? Portland doesn’t have a LFL franchise…and both the Rose Garden and the Memorial Coliseum are empty for most nights of the year. Somehow, I think people here in Puddletown would welcome another entertainment opportunity…especially if involved hot young women beating the snot out of one another while wearing next to nothing.

God, I just LOVE football….

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on November 15, 2010 6:18 AM.

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