Help yourself, Mom. I keep the vodka in a bleach bottle.
- Charlie Harper, Two And A Half Men
Remember, when life hands you lemons, lemons make great projectiles….
So, November has set in here in Portland…which means cold, damp, and grey. Don’t get me wrong; I love living here in the Northwest, but damn…who does a guy have to sleep with to get some sunshine around here?? On days like this, it’s hard to distinguish between Portland and Cleveland. Still, a guy in my situation still has to figure out how to be able to do something of value to society…right??
Nah…why change now??
Having way too much time on my hands, I’m always looking for new and different ways to entertain and express myself. Yesterday, thanks to Charles Johnson, I came across something that might be good for all y’all with nagging, unresolved anger issues: it’s the Pamela Geller Blog Generator. Yes, thanks to America’s favorite Muslim-hating shrieking harpy, it’s now easy to construct your own foaming-at-the-mouth, anti-Muslim conspiracy theory. Why do all the hard work and heavy lifting of hating when you don’t have to??
Can’t get enough Pamela Geller? A lot of us can’t. Yes, many of us love her incoherent and often quite sloppily spellchecked rants on the Atlas Shrugs blog, and she’s gracious enough to provide us with at least one bout of xenophobia and Godwin’s Law a day. Alas, she is just one person, and can only express so much teeth-cracking hatred toward Muslims, liberals, and cable television for so long before she has to rest and recuperate.
That’s where this Pamela Geller Blog Generator comes in! Now you too can weave your own conspiracy theories, your own plots to take over America, tailoring Geller’s own phobias to your needs! The possibilities are endless!
Well, okay, there’s only 15,625 different combinations, but you know what I mean.
And so I embarked on my own social experiment in the black art of hatred. My first entry was a shot in the dark, but I think it turned out pretty well. See what you think about this:
The Islamic Supremacists at CAIR, ISNA, ICNA, ISNA, FDA, PDF, and LOLWUT are at it again! This week they have been exposed plotting to take over America’s new media, with the siren song of EVIL, socialistical, commie liberal policies like pluralism and free speech. The Islamic Supremacists at CAIR, ISNA, ICNA, ISNA, FDA, PDF, and LOLWUT may try to tell you otherwise with evidence and sources and all that jazz, but I say they’re all a drones for GEORGE SOROS! That’s why we need more people like Serbian war criminal Slobodan Milosevic, as if he were alive, he would crudely Photoshop swastikas over anyone who criticizes my blog. The Islamic Supremacists at CAIR, ISNA, ICNA, ISNA, FDA, PDF, and LOLWUT will get the clown makeup, though!
Of course, it’s not much for fostering any sort of reasoned debate, but true devotees of Pamela Geller know that you don’t swap ideas with those dedicated to the destruction of Life As We Know It And All That’s Good, Right, And Holy. Real Americans don’t compromise with Evil, America-hating scum dedicated to shredding our Constitution and everything we hold dear: Mom, Apple Pie, Chevrolet, and Conan O’Brien.
And so I decided to wade into the morass again:
The thugs at ACORN, SEIU and the Department of Agriculture are at it again! This week they have been exposed plotting to take over America’s Internets, with secret messages embedded in their architecture. The thugs at ACORN, SEIU and the Department of Agriculture may try to tell you otherwise with evidence and sources and all that jazz, but I say they’re all a bunch of NAZIS! That’s why we need more people like Tea Party Republicans, as they take back our country from RINO Republicans, one by one. We don’t need the stench of moderation or acceptance of criticism in our Congress. The thugs at ACORN, SEIU and the Department of Agriculture are the real extremists, anyway, those evil evil evil MR. FREEZES!
OK, so it’s still version 1.0. Who knows; with a few tweaks here and there, the Pamela Geller Blog Generator could become a serious source of some high-grade hate…and a godsend for late-night comedians. Of course, there’s always the risk of diluting Ms. Geller’s brand…but given the unhinged nature of her foaming-at-the-mouth ramblings, that might not be such a bad thing.
Tune in tomorrow when I introduce you to the still-in-beta Charlie Sheen Pick-Up Line Generator….
