OK, so we’re coming up on the end of the year…and a thoroughly sucky year it has been, no? Recession, unemployment, earthquakes, famine, cholera, Packers fans…yeah, what we should be celebrating is that 2010 will soon be in our collective rear-view mirror. Still, with the end of the year, there always come a few stories that make me glad to be alive…or grab the barbed wire and C-rations and move to Idaho. I’m never quite sure which….
2010 was a year marked by epic scientific advances destined to improve our lives and make our world a safer and more pleasant place to be. Unfortunately, this story is not one of those things. Yes, through long, arduous, and exhaustive research, scientists have been able to demonstrate unequivocally that eating more and exercising less will make you fat. Damn…whodathunkit??
For those of us who live in carefully-constructed fantasy worlds (I like it here; the voices all know me), our fantasy reality just suffered a significant setback. Yes, Natalie Portman is not only engaged, she’s also preggers. Yes, that crash was your unattainable-under-any-conceivable-circumstances fantasy crashing to Earth. Anyone care for a rousing game of World of Warcraft??
Not only does Julian Assange have a book deal, there are also allegedly naked photos of Assange somewhere out there on da Interwebs. Say “Hello!!” to the newest word in the English language: Dickipedia.
Yes, as it turns out, we unemployed really are lazy, shiftless wastes of humanity willing to suck at the public teat whilst ordering caviar and Cristal to be delivered overnight via Fedex. We even have the manipulated, completely made up statistics to prove it!! We can do that with all the free time we have.
One of the things I love about this country is the entrepreneurial, risk-taking spirit that leads to so many innovations. Having said that, though, I’m not sure that being the inventor of a mobile methamphetamine lab is something you’d be wanting to feature prominently on your resume.
Did I not get the memo that stated that one flavor of Kardashian or another had to be on the cover of every single women’s fashion magazine? Does the word “overexposed” mean anything to anyone in that family??
The good news is that New Orleans just decriminalized marijuana and prostitution. The bad news is that I live in Portland, OR.
You have to know that you live in something resembling Paradise when the biggest crime problem is increasing incidences of public nudity. Well, what else are you going to do in Singapore on a Saturday night but drop trou and slide on the ice??
If you’re an NFL player, you might want to keep in mind that there’s a right way and a (very) wrong way to develop rapport with football fans. Right way: throwing a wrist band into the stands as you leave the field after a game. WRONG way: telling a fan to perform a sexual act requiring kneepads upon your person as you leave the field after a game. Just a suggestion….
Unbeknownst to most Americans, Illinois is on the verge of becoming “a new Mecca” (no pun intended, I hope) of terrorism. Jeebus, what else are you going to do in Illinois in the dead of winter??
Among the things I learned during 2010 was that you can find ANYTHING on Craigslist….
You and I might think the ACLU to be an organization that stands up for free speech right for ALL Americans. If you happen to be a counter-terrorism wonk in Tennessee, though, the ACLU looks a lot like a subversive organization engaging in “suspicious activity”. You say “toh-may-toh”…I say “toh-mah-toh”….
Well, if a few more months pass and I still can’t find a job, I could always move back to Texas and become a professional cockfighter. I’m just trying to keep my options open.
Yes, it’s now official; Right really does make Right…or something like that. That explains why “Propagandist” is a career path that seems to be trending upwards these days. Somewhere warm and breezy, Josef Goebbels is snickering into his Corona.
There’s a truly impressive list of things that became obsolete during the first decade of the 21st century. I haven’t read all the way through it; I’m just hoping I’m not on that list.
Another thing that I learned this year was that being rejected by a woman doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you and wouldn’t sleep with you if you were then last man on Earth. No, it just means that she’s suffering from sexual dysfunction…and guess what?? There’s a pill for that!!
Remember; if you’re a Republican, it’s not about making legislation or even attending to the People’s business. No, it’s ALL about stifling President Obama’s socialist, soul-crushing, America-hating agenda at every possible opportunity. Progress isn’t an option…or even really a consideration.
Last, but certainly not least, Rev. Pat Robertson wants to see marijuana decriminalized. Wow, what’s next? How long will it be until he puts his holy imprimatur on adultery and group sex??
