….VERY, VERY, VERY FRIGHTENED. Yes, if you can’t feel your bowels loosen ever so slightly when you even think about terrorism…well, why do you hate America so??
….HORNY…AND WAY TOO PROUD OF IT. Here’s a tip of the hat to the Sultan of Brunei. So enamored was he of his sexual prowess that he commissioned a life-size statue of himself and his fiancée having sex. PENIS GOES WHERE???
….OBSESSING OVER “BEST OF 2010” LISTS. Unless you really want to check out a list of Lesbians who look like Justin Bieber.
….A POOR LOSER. Memo to Joe Miller: the election’s over. The votes have been counted. Yes, even the write-in votes. You have fewer votes that Lisa Murkowski. The conventional wisdom in matter such as this says that YOU LOST. Deal with it. God was apparently not on your side; doesn’t that suck??
….VERY, VERY CAREFUL ABOUT THE UNDERWEAR YOU HAVE ON. You never know when your employer’s going to want to check.
….A 9.11. FIRST RESPONDER. OR NOT. I’m still waiting for Republicans, for whom 9.11 is one of their favorite code words, to explain why they won’t authorize money to be spent on those who rushed into the frayed on 9.11 and stayed long after the towers had fallen.
….CLASSY. OR NOT. Kudos (or something) to Sanofi-Aventis pharmaceuticals, the world’s fourth-biggest drugmaker, who laid off 1,700 employees via a conference call just prior to Christmas. I know; it’s just business…but would it kill you to maybe wait until after the first of the year?
….LETTING YOURSELF GO. Dude, you only retired a couple years ago; so why do you look like you haven’t found a buffet line you could pass up?? You look like the Michelin Man with fewer teeth.
….PHILOSOPHICAL. It may sound simple, but apparently the academic theory that “shit happens” is encountering some resistance from the philosophical cognoscenti.
….GETTING SEX ADVICE FROM PASTRY CHEFS. What, like you have a better idea??
….ADVENTUROUS. Former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson is in North Korea. Something about bringing 72 virgins to Kim Jong-il??
….LOOKING FOR LIVE NEWT GIRLS. Yes, for a mere $5000, you too can become a Hero of the Soviet State. Or not. Unless it turns out you own a “gentleman’s club”.
….GETTING HIGH. Yeah, the economy sucks…and therefore, everybody must get stoned.
….FLEXIBLE. ‘Cuz you never know when you might be asked to fill in on an emergency basis as an NHL backup goaltender. And you’d be well-advised to pray the starter doesn’t suffer an injury.
….GETTING YOUR 12-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER A BIKINI WAX. Well, if it really is all about attracting men, there’s nothing like giving your kid a head start on the process, eh??
….WEARING ADULT DIAPERS. Because women in Oklahoma apparently can’t distinguish between changing diapers on an autistic person and a 21-year-old confirmed pervert.
