By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
- Confucius
Cleverness is not wisdom.
- Euripides
When I’m not chasing demons,
There’s demons chasing me
- Kenny Chesney, “Demons”
OK, so I think my self-imposed hiatus/mental walkabout/pity party has pretty much run its course. Rather than immediately put anyone to sleep with the details, I’ll give you the short version. After doing this for ten years, I realized that I couldn’t recall ever having taken a break of more than a day or so…and I desperately needed one. It just took a personal crisis/”come to Jesus” moment to recognize it. Now the question becomes where I go from here…and I’m still trying to find an answer to that question. I’ve had a week or so to step back from it all, and I feel as if I’m in a better place and able to take a healthier approach. Now I just have to demonstrate that to be the case…and not just another exercise in self-delusion.
I still love the writing, which is why I’m not folding my tent. I still feel that I have a lot to say and a lot to get off my chest. Whether or not anyone actually wants to read my (what at times feel like barely lucid) ramblings remains an open question, of course. What I do know is that things are going to be different going forward. I suspect I’ll be devoting less time and energy to posting than I have for the past few years. Frankly, I need to strike a better balance than I have been, and I’d rather focus on quality rather than quantity. Doing less and doing it better seems like a good place to start.
I also need to address a glaring contradiction that I’ve ignored for…well, quite awhile now. I’ve become quite adept of ridiculing those I think worthy of it. In many instances, this ridicule has been richly deserved and, at least from my perspective, highly entertaining. The problem, though, is that I have far too often crossed the (exceedingly thin) line that separates satire from mean-spritedness. In doing so, I’ve become something of a contradiction, often seeing myself as a good and tolerant person while being disturbingly mean and intolerant in my skewering of people I think deserving of it. In ridiculing and skewering others, I have in too many instances demonstrated myself worthy of the same scorn and derision. Call it inconsistency, call it hypocrisy- by whatever names it’s dishonest, and it needs to stop. While I’m still working out in my mind how to move forward and accomplish that, I know that I can still have fun without resorting to being mean. That’s the plan, at least; the concept sounds good, but it’s the execution that’s going to need some attention. The proof lies in my being willing to prove to myself and those around me that I can walk the walk. I have no doubt that I can and will be able to state my case without the bile and occasional hypocrisy that I’ve engaged in. I recognize my flaws; I’m just trying keep the indulgence of those flaws to a minimum.
I want to add something positive to the public discourse. I want to be the change I’d like to see in the world. How do I do that? Well, it begins by being more honest with myself about who I am, what I’m putting out there, and the inherent contradictions between the two. I can still have my fun, I can still add what I can to the public discourse, and I can certainly do so in a way that’s more honest than what I’ve been doing. This is where that process begins.
I don’t have a lot of answers. I’m still making this up as I go, which has been what I’ve been doing since September 3, 2001…back in the days when I was still hand-coding this on stone tablets in HTML. Still, I know that I can do this better and more honestly than I have been…and so that’s what I’ll be striving to do. Success in this endeavor will come when I’ve been able to demonstrate to myself that I can do things differently and more honestly.
Though I’ve been striving to keep my personal life separate from my blog, I would be remiss if I did not recognize and acknowledge the contribution of one very special person. The details will remain between the two of us, she’s has been the impetus behind my wanting to do things differently and more honestly. Depending on the circumstances, she has been a friend, confidante, mirror…and occasionally an irritant. Subtlety is generally lost on me, so, yes, there are occasions when being annoying and brutally honest are the only way to get my attention. Without her playing all these roles, without her occasional lack of subtlety, and without her patience and support, being me would be a very different undertaking. Self-awareness has not always been my strong suit, and having someone in my life willing to call “BS” on me when necessary has been priceless and greatly appreciated. Simply saying “thank you” hardly begins to express my feelings, but it’s the best I can do here. There are no words sufficient to express the depth of my gratitude, but I am, and will remain, forever in her debt.
As always, I’m open to suggestions, gripes, and complaints. You can email me or leave a comment. I’ve been doing this for almost ten years now, and I’m still proud to have been part of the early wave of bloggers. Yes, I was blogging before it became cool and then passé…which really only means that I’m the Internet equivalent of a leisure suit. Having said that, I still have a lot to learn (much of it about myself) and a lot on my mind. I just need to find ways to express myself that are more real, more honest, and less…well, less mean-spirited. I’d like to think that I’m smart and adaptable enough to be able to figure these things out. Stay tuned….
Sometimes, knowing enough to be dangerous can be…well, dangerous…. ;-)
